Skateboard Sliders 3

Reviewed by: Ian & David

Copyright © 2007 ? All Rights Reserved

Studio : Tribal Pulse

Stars : Kaleb Hayes, Hans Ebson, Sam Dixon, Cody Scott, Johnny Doom, Xavier (b), Tony Alvarez, Ollie Kicks, Drew Peters, Tiger (b), Lark Larson, Tommy Hawk, Coby Kincade

I swear, next week I am going with the wife to pick out a video to watch, because I would really, and I do mean really, like to watch something that doesn’t piss me off. I really don’t get the ‘Religious Right’ and their objection to porn movies, because frankly I don’t see how any of what I am watching excite anyone, let alone lead them into a path of sexual perversion.

You would assume, that a flick about Skateboarders would at least have some nice looking, buff twinks. Not in this flick. Hell the last scene had to have 40 something actors. If they weren’t, well, then boy do they need to see a hair specialist about some transplants. I mean talk about bald spots!

Like most North American Porn, there is no plot, no acting, no real set up either. While the video made an attempt at one, they should have simply passed on it. It truly was pathetic, uninspiring and frankly annoying.

There are some good points, I suppose. One of them being that they use condoms. I know, some prefer condom less sex, but in this day and age, Condoms just make sense. Point two, the blow jobs weren’t bad.

And there ends the good points.

There was even an attempt at some Dildo Play, but uh, well you got see some of it going in, and that was it. I mean seriously, you see this white shaft, with most already in, and then the whole thing is covered up with the dude trying to stuff is limp dick in while the dildo is there. You never do see the dildo again either. Makes you wonder, did it fall out, or get swallowed up inside the guys ass?

I have seen bored people before, but not like these guys, and that is with their cocks in someone’s ass. I mean their expressions, in the first scene, didn’t vary one bit. It didn’t matter if they were being sucked, stroked, played with, fucking, nothing. They had the same dull blank expression on their faces.

The slurping noises in the first scene were so bad, so loud, that we turned the sound off. Now ever watch lifeless guys fucking and have no sound? BORING! What was worse was the occasional twang of music thrown in, in spots that is. We did turn the volume up a tad, just in case. The dialogue was uh absent, and you gotta wonder why they bothered with giving you a language choice at the beginning. I mean there sure as hell wasn’t much in the entire video, and what there was, well it was incoherent and barely audible.

This video is available in my online video theatre #2, and if you are really desperate, you can Rent It Here. I wouldn’t though, I’d pick something else out, unless you are really desperate.

The Blow Jobs, sucking action, was okay. You got to see the cocks pretty good, and the balls. So if you like to get off watching guys being sucked off, then I suppose this will do the trick. However, if you like to see good fucking, and I mean see it, then forget this movie.

What you get is a lot of hips, thighs, legs in the air and butts. There are some shots of the cock penetrating, that I guess you could say were okay. However, most of the fucking shots were of the hips going in, the top’s ass moving. Sort of okay shots of their holes, but really these aren’t what I’d call Grade A porn stars. Their looks certainly didn’t make me think Skateboarders, or Twinks.

The cum scenes are bad. One second nothing, then the guy’s chest is covered in milky cum. You really don’t get any good close ups, so if cum is your turn on, again stay clear of this video. There are some okay shots, but a couple looked faked to me. I mean you see the guy sort of cum, see it all over the guy, then all of a sudden from out of camera view, comes a gob of cum. It is so fast, you don’t know if it is cum, the guy spitting, or someone throwing some fake stuff onto the prone actor.

Kind of shit.

There was a couple of rim jobs too. Again, there really isn’t much to see other than a guy’s head in between another’s guy butt. I mean, you sort of get the idea of what is happening, but no good visuals.

There even was some shots where the camera panned from a nice good cock shot, to a blurred face. Like that really got me turned on. NOT.

Normally, even the crap movies, the wife is able to get off. This one was a real struggle, but he managed, sort of. Still, this was not even good for just grabbing your dick and jerking off. There are spots, but only if oral sex is the big turn on. Anything else, you going to be hard pressed to see, let alone get off on.

I rate this as a 2, only because the oral sex scenes were okay. The wife did manage to get off, so that sort of kept it from being a 1, or a zero.

I think, if you really want to watch a video, find a different one than this one, HERE.

2 Bare Dicks in my Hall of Shit

Reviewed by: Ian & David

Copyright © 2007 ? All Rights Reserved

Studio : Blue Pictures

A bareback porn flick, from Blue Pictures. Frankly the studio should be called knucklehead productions, or kiss my ass studio because this is a dog of a flick.

Where to begin?

To begin with, the actors, if you can call them that, are pitiful. In all of the scenes, there is at least one obnoxious moaner, who really needs to have a butt plug or something in their mouth. I mean talk about total turn off, these moaners certainly knew how to take a moment and totally ruin it.

The music is soft, but annoying.

The camera work, is well, let us just say it does have its moments, but for the most part is just some moron panning from one to the other. It doesn’t offer a lot of change, and the views in every single are identical. Sort of as if the camera is positioned in one place, actors set in front, and told to hump.

I was not enthralled by the actors. There were a couple that weren’t bad looking but I have to say, they sure didn’t seem to know much about sex. It was so stilted, that you had to wonder if they even knew what a cock was.

No set up, nothing. Just right into action with the barest possible beginnings and all the scenes were identical from the start to the finish. I mean nothing different, not different positions, nothing. Each one identical, did I say that yet?

Even the wife was not impressed, and that is hard to do. I mean he is usually not to worried about set ups or stuff, but even he was turned off by this waste of money. Yes, a waste of money, and not just because it was so unimaginative either.

For example, the photography of the guys sucking each other off. Oh, I forgot, it is all threesomes. No duos, just three guys doing each other, well doing one mostly. It is so staged, so faked in expressions that it is no wonder they don’t really keep focused on much. I mean the camera would show a really good shot of a hard cock being stuffed into a mouth, then suddenly all you see is the crazy looking facial expressions of the guy being sucked. And the camera lingers there more than on the cocks.

The fucking is not any better. I mean, yes there are some damn good pictures of one guy in each group taking both cocks up his ass, at the same time. Now that has to hurt, or is that bottom ever loose. I’ll opt for placing my money on the latter. Now the photography of that was good, but not long enough. It would then focus onto the faces or the shoulders jerking as the cocks are pounded in. Okay, not pounded really, sort of just moved in and out a tiny bit.

I’ll be honest, I just laughed at most of it, or yelled at the idiots who were on the screen. I mean, the constant moans and groans were so over the top that it was sickening. The real focus was on the guys, not the sex either. And for a lot of the time, the stroking or such, was hidden by hands in the way. I mean at least show the friggin cock, not some idiots knuckles clenched around something. That is just not gonna make anyone hard.

The cum scenes were equally bad. I mean each shot showed one in the middle, the other two standing to jerk off, and always, the guy in the centre already had cum dripping off him. I mean uh, hello, that’s supposed to be a money shot for us poor guys watching. Not with this flick.

Yes you can rent this dog from my online theatre, but why would you? It really isn’t worth it, and while there are some good cock shots, good fuck shots, there aren’t good cum shots, not what I’d call good sucking shots either, so why waste your money?

We wasted ours, you don’t have to. I rate this, and the wife concurs, as a 1, only because of some of the camera work.

Backdoor Boys 2

Reviewed by: Gaystoryman

Copyright © 2007 ? All Rights Reserved

They say sequels are never as good as the first movie. I am not going to go looking for Backdoor Boys 1 given how bad this production was.

To begin with I am Gay, and that kind should tell any studio that I am not interested in Naked Women. Well you would think it would, but hey, this movie starts off with some advertising for heterosexual sites and heterosexual chat lines. Oh that is great and clever marketing. It also dampens the mood to begin with, and the ads themselves were to say annoying would be making an understatement.

Then they add some fast motion clips from other movies in their collection. Not like you can really see much to even say ‘Hey that looks interesting’.

Advertising at the beginning is annoying, but I can cope with that. Least if it is something of interest, but I’d rather have seen ads for dildo’s than naked boobs any day. This was just stupid in my view but then after watching the movie, well, I can see why they’d want to advertise anything but another gay movie they do.

Save the best for last is an old adage and fits well into porn flicks. You start off slow, build up to the final scene and hope the viewer enjoyed the whole thing enough to jerk off. Least that is the supposed standard format, but you know, this video was hit and miss from the get go.

There were some good camera shots but more rotten ones. Then too the adding of background noises were totally off the wall. Like the laundry room scene where you hear a large truck backing up. Not the truck mind you, just that annoying beeping sound they make to warn pedestrians behind. Now that fit in well with a guy sucking a cock.

Or how suddenly the guy opens up the washing machine to pull out some lube and condoms. Now that was a bit of a giggle actually and did help too. I mean how long can you sit there, stroke your cock, while the two guys performing are sucking face? Obviously the producer of this flick things you can do it for hours or at least what seems like hours.

I truly hate Actors who are being paid to perform, and then look like they’d rather be sleeping. I hate actors who are hired to have sex, but despite endless kissing, fondling, and even being rimmed are totally limp. How in hell is that supposed to get me, the viewer aroused?

Then there are the cum shots. Some looked okay, others looked fake and you have to wonder even if some of the scenes are from a different video. The switch in actor types was a bit unnerving, and though the rough sex scene was the best of them, it didn’t seem to fit the theme of the video.

Problem with watching this video is that there are some good shots now and then. Not enough to really get off on and yet just enough to maybe want to keep watching to see if it improves. Unfortunately it doesn’t.

The 69 sequence in one of the scenes was a total turn off. I want to see cocks being sucked, not the back of heads moving in and out, and I want to see more than a pair of thighs going in and out when I watch two guys fuck. As for the rimming, I am not interested in the guy’s nose, but want to see that tongue licking and a nice pink hole.

The sex sounds were over the top. I may moan, groan, and even exhort the wife, as he does as well, but you know, I don’t groan when I am not even being touched. I don’t turn a tape recorder on to play back last night’s romp sounds while doing it in the living room. I sure don’t engage in sex with the washing machine going thru cycles right next to me either.

I might be older than the wife, and it does take more to get me horny other than the wife being naked. That always gets me horny, but perhaps I am simply jaded or spoiled. I have the real deal anytime I want, but the wife enjoys his porn. So I temper my views by seeing how it makes him feel, and when he has trouble getting off, well that definitely tells me there isn’t enough being shown or it is simply not being shown in a way it should be.

This movie wasn’t good. Would I rent it again? Not a chance. Would the wife? No not him either. Now he did manage to get off on the laundry scene, though there was some rough spots. I suppose too, that my laughing and then grabbing his nipples and playing with them helped. So frankly, this is just one more dud in what seems to be a trend with gay porn.

Now you might enjoy the rough sex scene, and for a laugh the laundry room one, but fast forward at the beginning unless somehow naked girls flashing their boobs helps you get in the mood for gay sex.

Duelling Dicks

Reviewed by The Gaystoryman

Copyright © 2006 ? All Rights Reserved

To be honest, I have no idea where to begin with this Review. Perhaps the pain and suffering should be over quick, this one is a warning. Stay Clear of It!

I have seen some pretty poor videos over the years, but when the best you can say about a video is that it is 56 minutes long which is way too long, well does that sort of give you a hint?

The introduction scenario is to say the least, confusing and virtually non existent. At the start you really have no clue what the premise is, even looking at the video title. I mean what, two guys battling it out using their cocks instead of swords?

You are faced with four actors. Frankly not very good looking ones either. Least not of my taste. Some annoying voice then splits them up and gives them locations to go on and do it.

Do what?

Anyhow suddenly we are being bombarded with camera action of guys sucking, and groaning. Some aren’t even undressed yet but hey, the sound effects are there. I suppose its to get you in the mood, for me it was a total turn off. Some of the looks too, I mean one looked as confused as I was in watching.

But hey it doesn’t get any better either.

A sort of haunting melody begins playing, that is, well no where near being suitable for what one sees. Nice tunes but not for these two sets of guys humping or sucking, least I think that is what they were doing.

Hands cover up the cocks, camera angles give you some really good thigh shots, even butt cheeks, but penetration? Long slimy poles? Nah, who needs that in a porn video, or so the producers obviously feel.

Yes on occasion you do get a glimpse or two of some balls, some cock, and even the odd asshole. Assuming you squint or are totally focused on the video. For myself I have to admit, I was more interested in the wife grabbing me a glass of water than the huge drawn out fuck scene.

The lighting for both scenes was pitiful. I mean it was bad enough that actors had their hands covering the poles to the point where you wondered if there really was a cock there. Were they hard dicks? Damn if I know. I mean kind of hard to really tell.

The music was the kind one uses to fall asleep to. Course the action shown was pretty well doing that on its own. It really was like more of a sleep video than a porn video. Wonder if anyone got paid for this rendition of BORING?

The constant switching of action shots from one set to the other could give you whiplash. There was no flow, no nothing to it. Just wham one minute you see a clenched butt slamming up against another, hear some wild shrieks, then without notice are treated to a mouth going up and down on something. Hard to know as knees and legs got in the way.

Hey scene two wasn’t any different. I mean they could have saved the fees paid to the actors by simply using the footage from the first scene. After all, no dicks, no assholes, how would anyone know they were the same? Okay maybe by the hands, or cheeks, but the sound effects were the same. I mean no discernable change in voices canned over the filming. So maybe the footage was the same? Not like you could really tell.

Thing is, when you rent a porn video, you expect to see cum shots, you expect to see good images of hard cocks, full balls, and nice pink holes. What you really don’t want to see the most is bare knuckles, hips gyrating, and hear the actors cum but see nothing but blurred bellies. However, that is what you get with this flick.

Like I said, for me and the wife, this one was a non starter. I mean hell, the wife pulled his pants up after 15 minutes. Now you know that has to be bad, if even he can’t get stimulated enough to warrant a bit of hand action. The best feature of this video was the ending. No, not when the last set of four were whacking off, when the video was ejected from the machine. Not like there were even any trailers or such to go check out.

So give this one a nice big fat ZERO.