Josh sat there, huddled up into a small ball, holding his knees tightly. The wind swirled around him, as he shivered, but not from the cool breeze. He felt his chest ache, felt the pain searing his very soul, as he kept seeing Bradley’s face, the way the eyes narrowed, how his nostrils flared, as he shouted it at him.
‘Your Queer? Fucking Hell, you are a damn faggot?’
All he had been able to do was nod, hanging his head down, in utter desolation. Even then, his body had been shuddering, from the tone of Bradley’s once warm voice, now turned icy cold. How his lips were pursed as he screamed it at him, at how his face had gone almost white in disbelief, as he spit the words out at Josh.
It wasn’t what he had expected, but then that is how it seemed to always go. To the very few, that he had told, he had never expected to see the raw hatred take over their faces, their whole bodies. One, back in High School had even struck out at him, giving him some painful reminders, of what it meant to be a hidden minority, among a self righteous majority.
Now, at 22, he had thought he had put those kind of errors behind him, until he felt Bradley’s reaction to the news. It had taken him totally by surprise, as he really had thought that he would be the one who wouldn’t freak out, who wouldn’t lash out at him.
Josh still couldn’t believe it. How Bradley had screamed at him, so upset that with each tortured word that escaped his mouth, spittle flew at him.
‘Jesus Christ, a fucking faggot? Unfucking believable.’
Those were the words that hurt, but it was the look that sealed it for him. How could he not have seen it before, though in his own defence, he had been taken in by the boyish looks, the charm of his supposed new found friend.
They had met in the lobby of their apartment building. He had been moving in, when he first spotted Bradley, almost dropping the box in his hands. To say Bradley was a hunk, would be an understatement. The guy was just shy of six feet, about 150 pounds, and that smile was to die for. How his face looked so finely chiselled, honed really without a single blemish on it.
Then to hear his voice, as he reached out, to help prevent the box from crashing to the floor, was the topper. How soft and full of life it had sounded, how full of fun. It made his heart quiver a bit, and his body tremble some. The ease at which he simply took the box out of Josh’s shaking hands, as if they were the best of friends.
It was so seamless, the way he had grabbed another box, and led the way to his apartment, his heart pounding all the way. Even letting him in, had made him feel light headed. How fresh he had smelled, with that just washed kind of scent, nearly made him pass out, but he had held on.
Even now, he could see him, see the darkish hair and the small curl of locks, around each ear lobe. The way the hair just seemed to swirl all around a perfectly shaped head, that was atop of a perfect body. Bradley was more than just a looker, he was a living breathing specimen of perfect male sexiness.
No matter how he walked, how he moved his arms, it seemed to speak volumes about him, make his own body feel like it was being taught how to be pleasing. Josh had a boner from the instant he had spotted him, and even after an hour of moving stuff in, he still sported a stiff one. No one had ever affected him that way, but Bradley didn’t even seem to notice. If he had, well he never said.
Yet now, that was all gone. In the blink of an eye, Bradley had turned into just another one of them. He couldn’t figure out why, because really, it wasn’t like he had hit on him, or even made a half hearted pass at the guy. Not saying he hadn’t wanted to, but there was a lot more to Bradley, than being a perfect fuck fantasy.
He genuinely seemed nice, and helpful. Even that first day of meeting, he had been warm, open, and inviting. No aloofness with Bradley, who could be a poster boy for the Outgoing Male Society. Hell, before they had even finished bringing up boxes, Josh knew that Bradley was 22, worked at the local supermarket as a bagger & stock boy. Josh learned that how much he earned, that he had no girlfriend at the moment, and that to him, sex was over rated unless it was with someone you cared for. Hence his being single at the moment.
Not once did he think it meant Bradley was coming on to him, or that even he might be gay. That though never once crossed his mind, and over the few months of knowing him, it didn’t even flash across his thoughts. Oh, he spent many night with a towel, thinking of what it would be like to be naked with him, touching his perfect body with his own hands.
Maybe Bradley had sensed that? Could he have seen the desire in his own blue eyes, whenever he would steal a glance at him, or was he just looking for a reason to forgive Bradley his outburst? He did do that a lot, because after all, they all couldn’t be wrong, could they?
The tears were drying up, but he was still huddled into a ball, as he thought about Bradley, about his confession to him. How stupid could he have been. Twenty two years old, and damn it, he still couldn’t tell who was friend, who was foe. Yet, to be fair, it wasn’t like he had given Bradley any hints either, that he might be Gay.
Not like he had any skin mags laying around, or even porno flicks, never mind gay ones. So how the hell was Bradley to even guess that he might be? Like, it would shock anyone, or at least, it seemed to. Hell his own family had booted him out when they found out and if anyone should have known, it would have been them, right?
Thinking about it, it seemed like he was just going from one disappointment to another. Everyone he looked up to, had turned their back on in a New York second, when they found out he was Gay. His best friend since grade school had nearly pummelled into the hospital when he had found out, so why should Bradley have reacted any differently?
But then he was Bradley, he wasn’t some jerk who thought he was God’s gift to women, like his best friend thought. He wasn’t some egomaniac who figured he was the hottest looking guy on the planet, like his friend in High School, who had made Josh’s senior year a living hell, just because he could.
Sure there were some nice guys, but they would never just hang with him, least not alone. It was like they were two different people, when around him. Even the couple of others who worked with him, treated him differently, when they were alone on a job. Not once did they take their shirts off, or strip down to their shorts. Long pants, and shirts always on, was the routine, unless there were others around. Even when it was nearly a hundred out, they kept their shirts on.
Of course, even then, they would watch his every movement. Each time he would look up, to just wipe his brow, they’d be watching, as if making sure he kept his eyes anywhere, but on their naked chests, or bare legs. It was why his boss had stopped assigning him to large jobs. Now he was sent out to do jobs, that only required one person.
His Boss told him it was a compliment, that he was trustworthy to not dog it, when on his own, but he knew differently. It was to avoid the others being uncomfortable, around the queer. Strange how they didn’t mind showing off for each other either, just not around him. Like maybe they’d enjoy being stared at by some fag, or something like that.
Maybe that was why he got so attached to Bradley. He seemed different. Okay, he didn’t know that Josh was Gay, until now, but he was not bashful either. Man, the times he would be over on a day off, his shirt off, that gorgeous flat chest heaving ever so slightly with his breathing, was a sight to behold.
Josh loved the horseplay too. How Bradley would grab his shoulder to point out something, when they would go out together, and they had done that often. In some ways, it was like an older brother showing him around. How Bradley always seemed to stop by his place, ask him to join him in some outing, even if just to go grab a snack or pick up some milk from the corner store.
At first he was hesitant, but that lasted like ten seconds, before he was off with his new found friend. Hell, it was almost as if they had known each other forever, and Bradley never seemed to hide anything from him. Like how he believed that sex was special, that wasn’t for just getting off. He even admitted to preferring jacking off, to fucking some girl, simply because he was horny.
It was how he felt too, though not about the girl part, though he never said a word about that. Funny too, how Bradley never once asked him about girls, or even if he was looking. Not once did he try to fix him up, or talk about past exploits. Not your typical guy talk for them, as if Bradley knew, or so he had thought then. Obviously that was wrong, given how he had screamed at him, how contorted his face had become, almost instantly, when Josh had spoken that word.
How the fuck could a three letter word, make so many people go ballistic, see red and turn their friendship into outright disgust? It amazed him, even now, though maybe he shouldn’t be so surprised. After all, Bradley wasn’t the first to turn on him.
Still it hurt, as he sat there, slowly managing to lift his head up, to let the pain begin to subside inside. How it hurt, and it seemed each time, was worse than the time before. Maybe the answer was to simply not tell anyone, no matter what? Heck, he still wasn’t sure why he had told Bradley, because it wasn’t like he had asked, or anything.
Again, as usual, he kept turning it over in his mind, wondering if he had some secret wish to be hurt. Maybe that was it, he enjoyed feeling rejected, or something Freudian like that? Could be part of the sickness, part of being Gay?
Granted his few ventures into the Gay scene hadn’t been much better, though he had managed to figure out some of the meanings. Like who knew that being a bottom meant you didn’t like to fuck another guy? Then too, he was surprised at how many older guys were always hitting on the younger ones, and how they would snicker, while preening themselves, just for that reason.
It didn’t make him feel any better either, when the few guys he thought he’d like to know, turned out to be nothing more than smooth talkers, who only wanted a piece of his ass, or to feel his dick up their holes. That isn’t what he had imagined it would be like. Josh supposed he was just a romantic at heart, and the guys he met, well they said they were, but when it came right down to it, they were only interested in shooting their load, then moving on.
Maybe he wasn’t any good as a queer either? He liked the sex, it felt unreal to have another guy sucking his cock, but it never seemed to be more than just that, different in a pleasing way. He never experienced that explosion of emotion, that feeling of being wanted beyond being a sperm donor.
He sighed, finally letting himself sit upright, leaning back into the trunk of the Arbutus tree. He felt the cold wind, and wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt. Maybe he shouldn’t have dreamed so much about Bradley? That could have been the problem, that made him think that somehow the guy was different.
All those nights, when he would lay in his bed, thinking of him, of how it would feel to make love to him. It didn’t matter that he didn’t know if he was cut or uncut, or if he had a big cock or a small one. All that mattered was that it was him, of how he would nestle into his arm, smell that scent that always gave him a hard on.
The more Josh thought about it, the more he wondered if that really was his problem, his damn imagination, his dreams of having someone hold him, care for him? Wasn’t like he got that from his own family. Seems like they always knew, though acted like it was a shock when it was spoken out loud. How his father’s face showed such disgust, his mother’s nothing but fear, as if he’d somehow turned into an evil demon.
The words, the way they spoke to him, how they seems so unwilling to realize he was the same kid from before, just that he had a different sexual need. Even the so called teachers seemed to not realize that it wasn’t some sickness, some disease that needed stamping out. They acted like he had a choice, like could switch his desires on or off. None of them understood, or maybe they just didn’t care to want to try?
And now here he was, once more feeling rejected, from some guy who he should have known would throw a bird. Yet it wasn’t that way in his dreams, when he would imagine a life of actually being wanted, instead of the reality of his young life.
In those nights, he was on cloud nine, the way he would imagine himself coming back to his apartment, all sweaty from a day’s digging and planting. How his shirt would stink from his sweat, still even be damp from it, and there he would see Bradley, sitting down by his apartment door. Not Bradley’s, but his, and how his face would look so unhappy, until he turned and would see Josh coming out of the elevator, and turning to come towards him.
Then those eyes would suddenly come to life, sparkling. His face would begin to glow, and he would push his lean body upwards, his back still leaning against the door. He’d be wearing that red t-shirt, that showed off his muscles, that seemed to just wrap around each bulging sinew. He would spot the chest, how the small orbs of his pecs would push out.
His eyes would brighten too, at seeing Bradley waiting, and they would devour that golden skinned face, before moving down, to take in the heaving chest. It always heaved, as if Bradley was suddenly short of breath, or had it taken from him, by the excitement of seeing him, Josh.
Then he would let his eyes move downwards, as he started to move a bit faster, despite the soreness in his legs, from squatting all day over flower beds. They would widen as the took in Bradley’s slender waist, how the belt was flapping, as it was way too big for that slight perfect waist. The buckle would gleam in the hall light, as he would stare, usually licking his lips. Then he’d glance up, to see the tail end of Bradley’s tongue sliding back inside, from having just licked his lower lip. The tip would be curled, from pressing up around the corner of his mouth, than was now open, in a big grinning smile. The white teeth seeming to glisten, despite the yellowish light of the hallway.
Josh would feel his tiredness dissipate a little, as he would be coming closer to Bradley. His body would be tense, the ache from work replaced by the one of desire, that was growing throughout his whole body. How his groin would throb too, as he got closer, as his eyes moved back down, to take in all of Bradley’s slender frame.
They would move down, to see the skin tight pants and the bulge at the groin. There would be no mistaking that bulge, no mistaking that it contained something special, that he, and he only, would be allowed to enjoy, as soon as he could get inside his apartment door.
In his dreams, it was always that way, always a frantic rush at first, and even now, he could feel his cock stirring, as the dream was being played in his mind. How his eyes would bulge, as he got closer, because he could see Bradley groin growing. The way the pants would tighten even more, the tell tale bulge moving the pants outwards, as if to greet him.
Then he would be up close, and Bradley would step aside, breathing in Josh’s scent as he moved just enough to let him put the key into the lock. How he could smell Bradley too, that fresh washed aroma, that always drove him crazy. How it would make his legs weak at the knees. He could feel his hands fumbling with his keys, as his arm would brush past that flat washboard stomach, the heat coming from the skin beneath the shirt, making him hurry to open the door.
God, how good it felt, to hear him suck in his breath, and give a small whimpering sound, as he smelled Josh’s body smell. How his nostrils would be flaring, trying to take all of his scent in, at once. Josh could see how his legs quivered, in the tight pants, the bulge threatening to burst out, to rip through the tough jean fabric.
Somehow the door would be pushed open, and he’d step inside, feeling Bradley right behind him, the door always suddenly slamming shut. The lock would be turned, with a loud clanking sound, making it secure, preventing anyone from suddenly intruding.
He would turn, his keys dangling in his hand, when he would feel Bradley’s hands grab his shoulders, pulling his own trembling body close to Bradley’s. How his eyes would flutter, seeing that tuft of hair over one eye shake, then he’d hear his keys hitting the carpet of his hallway.
Josh would feel all the air in his lungs being sucked out, rushing like in a typhoon, as he would feel the hot press of Bradley’s thin lips against his own. He’d feel his mouth opening, to take the offered tongue, that was twisting and eager to enter him. He’d feel the hands reaching around, taking his buttocks in their palms, clenching at the shivering flesh, grabbing them hard with a sense of desperation.
He’d feel his body trembling, feel the tremors reaching for his heart, as their lips would grind into each other, their tongues duelling each other inside of his mouth one second, then inside of Bradley’s. Josh would feel the hands tearing at him, reaching for his belt, for his pants button and then he’s see lights behind his eyelids. His body would be shaking, as he felt the air caress his naked thighs, then his groin. Somehow Bradley would always have his pants down, and without knowing, he’d have done the same to him. He would feel the press of a hard thick cock into the soft belly of his groin, never seeing it but just feeling it press into his soft trembling flesh.
Laying there, against the tree, he could feel his heart kicking up a fuss. The blood was starting to rush, as his mind kept going back to his dreams, kept trying to make them more real, than reality. He knew it wasn’t going to help him, now that he had spoken up, had told his secret to Bradley. That dream would never be the same now, as he sniffled, the mood suddenly coming to an end.
He felt the pain again, wondering why he had spoken up, why he had told Bradley he was gay. It wasn’t like he had any notion that by speaking up, that he would suddenly have his dream become reality. He wasn’t that stupid. Then again, maybe he was, because he did just, well blurt it out. Just, that the idea of being held tightly by Bradley, of having him touch him seemed so, possible.
Josh felt the confusion, yet also the desire inside of him. He wanted someone, and maybe that was why he had done what he did. He wanted Bradley, even knowing it wasn’t going to happen. He wanted to feel his hand moving up and down Bradley firm chest. To feel the chest hairs move beneath his fingers, to tweak his nipples that he imagined would be firm.
The whole idea of touching him, of moving his hand slowly across his chest, of twisting a nipple, maybe even licking it or nibbling on it, while his hand would lightly run down the chest towards Bradley’s belly. To feel the muscles rolling under his hand, to feel the warmth of his flesh, as the hand would slide down, to maybe play with the wiry pubic hairs. The way his own breath would get short, become labored, as he anticipated that moment when his fingers would touch the rock hard root of Bradley’s cock. God, how he ached for that chance, and how much it seemed to be driving him.
Leaning there, he could almost see it, even though he had no idea what Bradley looked like, naked. What he wouldn’t give to have that moment. Just to stare at his naked body, at his groin unhindered by any clothing. To be able to just gawk at him, to think of what it would be like, was all he really wanted, that was now lost to him forever.
Josh knew he was being stupid, even as his own hand moved down over his bulging crotch. Still, the idea of him and Bradley, was overpowering. He knew it was stupid, but he couldn’t get him out of his mind, not that easy. Maybe in time, but for now, he still felt his desire for him. If only he hadn’t said anything, if he’d have just kept it to himself, things might not be as they were now.
He sighed, feeling dejected, realizing how stupid he was. Yet the image of Bradley, in a t-shirt, in tight jeans sitting next to him on the sofa, watching television, still flashed before him. He could smell him too, that aroma that always gave him a super boner. God, how sick was he? Even now, to be thinking of him, to be rubbing his own aroused dick, despite the reaction he had just gone through.
Even the idea of trying to talk to him, lurked in the back of his mind, which was stupid. There was no mistaking that look, that hatred, when he had told him he was Gay. Yet despite that, he was already thinking of trying to patch it up, to maybe still be friends. That was sick, he thought, as his hand moved over his hard crotch. Christ, how the thought of Bradley made him so hard, so horny.
The sound of someone coughing startled him. Josh quickly pulled his hand up and leaned forward, towards the sound. His eyes grew wide, as standing there, in front of him was the guy of his dreams. He couldn’t believe it, as he stared, open mouthed at Bradley. No way had he not noticed what Josh had been doing, yet there was no anger, no hatred in his eyes, or in his face.
‘Figured this is where you’d come.’
‘to be continued’
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By Ian Kovnats ()
Copyright © 2009 ? All Rights Reserved
Category ¦ First Time
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