Clearing the Air

By Ian Kovnats ( Gaystoryman )

Copyright © 2008 ? All Rights Reserved

Part (5)

It was a strange feeling for Jeff, as he lay there, just enjoying being in Mike’s presence, in the after glow. In some strange way, he felt more satisfied than at any other time, and as he felt the warmth of Mike’s body next to his, he couldn’t help but wonder at what had taken him so long to speak up, to let Mike know how he had felt.

He really couldn’t help feeling this way, it was really like a dream coming true, like winning the Lottery. Inside he could feel the way his body was still shaking, from the wild emotions that came the second he first touched Mike’s naked body. Not when he managed to breath in that musky scent of his groin, but the actual first touch, his finger against Mike’s flesh.

Even now, he couldn’t believe how it seemed to have made his whole body shake, how it seemed to just suddenly come alive. Like how it actually felt the small current of breeze in the room, how the hairs on his body seemed to all be standing up on end. Nothing had ever made him feel this way, as his eyes once more moved up, to gaze into Mike’s face.

He had seen that look, and now he once more saw it, but there was a cloud or pall coming between them, that he hadn’t noticed before. The look in Mike’s eyes was changing, that made Jeff suddenly feel a sudden coldness creeping in. They had just shared something special, but he could see that the glow of the moment was wearing off, that reality, was once more intruding, coming between them.

The roller coaster seemed to be running, as he felt dejected for some unknown reason, though deep down he knew that the elation wouldn’t last forever. Staring at Mike, he could see the doubts, the fears too which surprised him. What did Mike have to fear? Did he maybe think Jeff would out him, would talk about how he did his straight friend?

Part of him wanted to reassure Mike, but then another part told him to keep his mouth shut. To not rock the boat, unless necessary, and as he felt the uncertainty inside, he noticed how Mike suddenly drew his legs upwards, pulling them together. A sort of emptiness hit the pit of his stomach, as he saw how Mike seemed on edge, seemed nervous, really.

‘You okay?’

Jeff saw how Mike suddenly twitched, at the sound of his voice, and how his eyes grew a bit wider, like some animal being caught in the sudden glare of a light.

‘Uh yeah, uh, look, I should get going,’

He felt the dejection inside, the sadness, as he saw how suddenly scared Mike looked.

‘Sure? I mean, maybe we could hang out, go to the mall or something.’

‘Uh, can’t, I uh have some errands to run, but maybe another time, I, I’ll call you later, okay?’

‘Yeah, sure.’

Inside, he knew that Mike wasn’t going to call, that somehow what had happened was beginning to bug him, that maybe he wished he hadn’t given in or done it. There was no other way to explain the frightened look on his best friend’s face, as he watched him swing his legs off the bed, opposite to where Jeff was.

He stared at Mike’s backside, as saw him stand up, and move to gather his clothes up, moving sideways, almost. It was like he was ashamed of being naked, of Jeff being able to see him.

Jeff just stared, saying nothing as he watched Mike bend and pick up the clothes, then quickly slide his underwear up. The moment was gone, he knew that, still inside, he didn’t understand what had suddenly changed for Mike. One second they were staring at each other, feeling close, feeling a connection that was more than just physical. Hell, he could still taste him, his seed and he knew he wanted more, but didn’t know how to ask, how to express himself.

Instead of speaking out, he sat there in silence. His own dick no longer aroused, but shrunken, as he saw Mike’s body become once more a mystery to him. The clothes were covering it all, and he could see how Mike’s body suddenly relaxed, once the pants were zipped up and belt buckled.

Jeff could see how his shoulders had relaxed, how every muscle in his back seemed to just let go, and once more there was the familiar slouch to his friend. He felt rather disappointed, even a bit apprehensive, as Mike finally turned to face him. There really wasn’t much else to say, as he saw Mike smile at him, a more or less forced smile. It looked strained, as he just smiled back, still naked.

He also noticed how Mike avoided looking, and yet earlier it was as if he couldn’t stare at him hard enough. How his eyes had taken his naked body in, at how it had gazed at his hard dick. How good that had felt too, and now it was gone, just like that. Somehow, he knew that Mike wasn’t going to call, that some excuse would be given, once he finally did get in touch.

Jeff watched as Mike left the room, not even waiting for him to get off the bed, and dress. It was almost as if he had an urgent need to leave, without really even saying much else, other than a quick ‘later’. He heard him running down the stairs, knowing that he was taking them two at a time, just as they both used to do when heading out together.

He could feel the sudden emptiness inside, the feeling like he had lost Mike. It was not as intense as it had been in the morning, and yet it felt even worse. Jeff couldn’t explain it, as he lay there, not sure what had happened, or if he had done something wrong. Again with the guilt, but even as he finally moved his body, he could still feel the brush of Mike’s pubic hairs against his nose, the press of his groin against his own face.

Trembling a little, he realized that he might never get to feel that again. It wasn’t like he had started out to seduce Mike, to force him into letting him suck him off. That had been Mike’s own idea, first at their spot, and then when he came here. He hadn’t told him he wanted to, least not until Mike forced his confession.

Maybe if he had, first thing, Mike wouldn’t have rushed off so fast. As he let his legs dangle over the bed, and he stared around for his own discarded underwear, he wondered what it was that had gotten Mike rattled, so quickly after? It bugged him, but not like the rejection he had been subjected to earlier in the day. This was a different rejection, one that might not have felt like an arrow in the heart, but in its own way, was far more painful.

He didn’t understand it. If Mike hadn’t wanted to let him suck his dick, why did he? If it bugged him, or something, why did he come back to the house, wait for him, and then push for it? It wasn’t like he had asked him to strip, or to climb onto his bed and spread his legs, with that hard dick sticking up. So why did he feel like Mike was disgusted with him?

For the rest of the day, and evening he found himself walking aimlessly around. Watching television only found him staring at the screen with a blank expression, so that when a program ended, he hadn’t a clue as to what had just finished. Jeff had waited for that phone call, but as he had known, it hadn’t come.

Several times he had reached for the phone, even going so far as to almost dial Mike’s complete cel number, but stopping just as it came time to enter the last digit of the number. Each time, his finger hovered over that last digit, and he simply replaced the receiver.

More times than he could remember, he had looked at his own phone, had clicked it to make sure it was getting a dial tone. He had kept flipping it open, checking the bars, to see if he was still in range, getting a signal, and yet no call ever came through.

In his guts, he felt miserable, knowing that this was not going to be the golden day he had hoped for. Even the fact that he had gotten more than he had dreamed for, in that Mike had let him suck him off, wasn’t helping him feel like he thought he should. He should be bouncing off the walls, with joy, instead of feeling like the world had ended for him.

Truth was, Mike hadn’t said anything to make him feel this way, but his look, how he had acted after, all seemed to be conspiring to making him feel so, well, alone. It wasn’t like he hadn’t gone over it a thousand times, and nothing he could think of, seemed to provide him any answers, as to why the sudden switch.

Granted, Mike was straight, and he had obviously enjoyed the blow job, but so what? How could that make him suddenly not want to be around him, or at least call him? Wasn’t like it was going to be a regular thing. Hell, he didn’t even think of trying to do more, or ask for more. Maybe he had thought about it, at the moment, but no friggin way would he have said or shown that he wanted to do it again, or to do more.

In the past, when he used to think of Mike, of how it would feel to be naked next to him, to hold his cock in his hand, to taste it, it always made him squirm, made him super hard. Yet now, with the real thing firmly planted in his mind, he couldn’t even get it semi hard. Thinking of that cock, of how it had tasted, of how it had smelt, didn’t even get his dick trembling, let alone rock hard.

That isn’t how it was supposed to be, he thought. Coming out to Mike, was supposed to make things easier between them. Least that had been the plan, had been the reason for it. At first it hadn’t, but later, well it had been total confusion, but Mike had seemed to come around, to understand. Or had he?

Had the ties they had made Mike act before he had thought about it? Had his own look, his own look influenced his friend so that he had given in to him, rather than refuse? It was all so confusing, and the more he thought about it, the more confused he got. Even trying to not think about it, was impossible.

Nothing seemed to work, to get his mind from thinking of Mike, of what had happened. He found himself arguing, with himself, as he tried to figure out if he should do anything, or let Mike have the time he needed, to sort out whatever had spooked him.

In the end, he had finally accepted that he couldn’t push Mike, that if he needed time to think, to figure stuff out, he had to give it to him. He came to the conclusion that if he pushed, he’d lose him for sure, something he really was desperate to not see happen.

—–

That long night had finally turned into an endless parade of empty days with more empty nights. Jeff still kept hoping Mike would call, that whatever was eating at him, was confusing him, would sort itself out, but as the days came and went, as the time for his departure to University loomed closer, he began to realize that for now, Mike was lost to him.

It hurt too, and there were times when he found himself in tears really. They had been through a lot in their friendship, and now it seemed like it had all ended, because he was Gay, had a thing for Mike. Maybe he should have lied, not told him how he dreamed of Mike, of how he imagined what it would be like to have sex with him.

Maybe then, Mike wouldn’t have felt obligated to let him suck him off, maybe then Mike would be here now, at the bus station seeing him off, instead of elsewhere. Maybe they would already have plans to meet up, during a long weekend or holiday, instead of him not even knowing if Mike was still talking to him.

No phone calls, nothing since Mike had simply walked out on him. Maybe he should have called, but as each day passed by, he knew it would only be harder. He should have called him the next day, but now it was too late to go back, too late to fix what was becoming painfully obvious, that their friendship had ended.

Heading off to college might help ease the pain he was feeling inside. Maybe it was meant to be this way, but he still couldn’t help but feel he had done something wrong, that somehow this was his fault. Oh sure, he had his fits of anger too, blaming Mike for being a pig headed fool, for being a stubborn ass, but after each of his outburst, he would feel like it had been his fault, not Mike’s.

If he hadn’t been Gay, they would still be friends, but being Gay, was who he was. He couldn’t change that, couldn’t make that go away, but he didn’t have to tell Mike. He could have kept it a secret, not blab it to him, and sure as fuck, didn’t have to tell him that he dreamed of him. That was simply stupid, but then again, was it?

Sitting in one of the old worn chairs of the bus depot, he wondered if maybe he had somehow manipulated Mike, to give him what he had always wanted? Had he somehow made Mike feel like he had to undress, had to let him suck on his dick? I mean Mike wasn’t some weak willed guy, he had a mind of his own, but had he used his own charm, his own charisma to maybe influence Mike just enough, so he could see him naked, see him full hard?

Then too, if that was true, how come Mike had one of the hardest erections he had ever seen? Shit, even the guys in the few porn flicks he had seen didn’t seem to be as hard as Mike had been that day in his bedroom. So if he had somehow coerced Mike into letting him suck on him, how come he had such a raging hard on?

All he knew for certain was that he didn’t have any clear answers. He missed Mike, missed seeing him and just hanging out together. It would have been a better memory to take with him than what he was taking. Maybe in time, he’d think differently, maybe even the memory of sucking on Mike’s cock might be enjoyable, but so far it had been nothing but a total turn off. Before, he could get it hard just thinking of Mike taking his pants off, now with the real thing to remember, it felt different, felt less exciting.

Hell, he had even written in to one of those advice columns that were in the magazines, and the instant he had sent it off, he knew it had been a stupid move. He also knew the answer he’d get, which was to get over it, to move on. Well easy for them to say, they hadn’t spent their childhood with the guy, hadn’t come to love him, as he had.

And maybe that was it, right there in a nutshell. It wasn’t the idea of seeing Mike naked, or of sucking his dick, or even maybe having him fuck him that had been the turn on. Maybe it was simply that he had a crush on the guy, that he had wanted to be loved by him, as he loved him. Worse, maybe Mike had sensed that, which is why he had bolted.

Glancing up he stared up to where the huge clock was. He saw how it was coming closer to departure time, and he felt the hitch in his heart. He had insisted no one from his family come down with him, in case Mike showed up, but deep down he knew that wasn’t going to happen either. He just didn’t want anyone around, to pester him about being so glum, about looking like the world had ended.

For him, in one way it did feel that way. His whole childhood was ending. He was going to college, leaving everything behind. Nothing would ever be the same, even if he did come back for visits. He felt the tremble inside, felt the fear of what lay ahead, and what was being left behind, when he felt the tap on his hunched over shoulder.

Glancing around, he saw him. His heart quickened, as Jeff realized how much he had been hoping for this moment. Mike was there, but as he looked up into his face, he could see how pained Mike looked.

‘hey’

‘hey, I uh, I was hoping…’

‘I know, uh, look Jeff, I should have called, but, uh…’

‘yeah, I tried a few times, well I thought about it, but…’

‘it shouldn’t be this hard, uh, can we take a walk outside, before, I mean do you have time?’

Jeff glanced back over his shoulder at the clock, realizing that he really didn’t have much time, but enough. He nodded and picked up his bag, letting Mike lead the way out of the station.

They turned the corner, to where the building ended, and a small entrance way for the buses was. Mike looked around, then leaned against the brick wall, shuffling his feet, and looking downwards at them.

‘I should have called.’

‘I guess I could have called you.’

‘Yeah.’

‘So, I have to, I mean there isn’t much time Mike.’

‘Yeah, I know.’

‘Then, what? I mean, I think I get it, and I am sorry Mike, I really am.’

‘Sorry? Shit man, you didn’t do anything, not like you can help who you are, anymore than I can. Not your fault.’

‘Then, well why did you bolt?’

‘I can’t, I been thinking of that, ever since, I really have, and it is just, I don’t know Jeff, it just seems, well wrong.’

‘What? That I like you that way, Shit Mike, I told you because you forced me to, I wasn’t planning to, I mean…’

‘yeah, I know that, I asked, kind of wish I hadn’t now, but it isn’t that. I mean, in some ways, its well, nice to know, sort of.’

‘Then, fuck you are really messin’ with my mind Mike.’

‘Not half as much as you messed with mine.’

‘what the fuck is that supposed to mean?’

‘You don’t get it do you?’

‘No, obviously I don’t.’

‘I can see that.’

‘Christ Mike, I am leaving town, I don’t know how soon I’ll be back, and right now, you aren’t making it easier. So what the fuck, I am sorry you can’t accept me liking you that way, I really am, but I do, and it isn’t because you are hot or sexy, but because of, well, just because. I am sorry it makes you uneasy, I really am.’

‘It isn’t that Jeff, though maybe, oh shit, maybe it is that too.’

‘If it isn’t that, then, I don’t get it?’

‘Fuck Jeff, I liked what you did, okay? I liked it, a whole lot, which I shouldn’t have, I mean, I am not that way, I shouldn’t have liked it, not one bit, sure as hell not as much as I did.’

‘You did? I mean, for real?’

‘Yeah for real, and its bugged me since, it bugged me right after, and ever since. I just…’

‘What, thought that because you liked it, that you had to be queer like me, that it?’

‘I guess, if you want to put it that way, yeah, I mean how can a straight guy like it, if they aren’t, you know…’

‘queer’

‘knock off the put downs, okay? You know what I mean, and it isn’t…’

‘I guess, just that, shit I thought I’d never see you again, that somehow I had ruined our friendship. And look, I mean just because you liked it, doesn’t make you Gay.’

‘You think?’

Before he could reply, he heard the announcement echo from the entrance. The booming voice was giving the first call for passengers for his bus, and he felt like time was going to run out, before they could sort things out, fully.

‘Yeah, I do, but fuck Mike, you sure have rotten timing, I have to go, I’ll miss the bus, but just ‘cuz you liked it, doesn’t mean jack. Fuck, this sucks, I mean…’

‘There is a later bus.’

‘I know, just that, I have to check in by a certain time, or I’ll miss out on the dorm assignments. I gotta have a place to sleep, or I’d take the later bus.’

‘Okay, I know, look, what if I come up this weekend? Maybe we can talk then? I don’t want to lose our friendship Jeff, I know I should have called, should have said something, just, fuck it’s taken me all this time to make some sense out of it.’

‘If you want, yes, I’d like that. I do, if you do.’

He felt his body shake, felt tiny beads of sweat on his forehead. The idea that what he had thought was lost, really wasn’t, was exhilarating. He didn’t feel so empty, or alone as he realized that Mike meant it. It wasn’t like the promised phone call that had never come, this was different. He could feel it, deep down in his bones. Mike would show up.

‘Here, take this, just, just don’t open it around anyone, okay? I uh, I know you gotta go, but I will be up this weekend, I promise. Okay Jeff?’

He felt Mike thrust the brown envelop into his hand, as he heard the second call for his bus, knowing he didn’t have much time left.

‘Uh, okay, what’s this…’

‘We’ll talk this weekend, I’ll try and phone after dinner tomorrow, okay?’

‘Okay, but…’

‘Open it later, alone Jeff, okay? Promise?’

‘I promise’

Mike smiled and was already turning away to leave, as the announcer boomed out, giving the last call for passengers to Jeff’s bus. Jeff felt himself tremble a bit, as he stared at Mike’s retreating back. He wanted to watch him leave, but couldn’t. Gathering his bad, he made his way along the platform to the bus, clutching the brown envelop, wishing that he had called Mike.

Jeff managed to just make it, as the silver door was beginning to close. He managed to climb up, hand his ticket to the driver, and found his way towards the back of the bus. No one had taken the rear seat, which suited him fine. He had noticed a few others stare at him, but all he could think of, was that this weekend Mike would be up at the campus.

He’d have to figure out where they could stay, that maybe there was some motel or something, or maybe he could bunk in his dorm room? He’d have to check that out, once he got his own room assignment, and as the bus lurched, beginning to move away from the platform, he realized that he was like some giddy kid.

It wasn’t like he expected they’d be having any sex, but that they were still friends made everything seem okay. Jeff felt a bit light headed, as he turned to stare out the window, and as the bus rolled out of the driveway, onto the main street, he saw Mike standing there. He could see his hair swaying a bit, and he couldn’t help but smile.

As the gears clashed a bit, and the bus picked up speed, he looked down at the envelop in his hand. It felt a bit stuffed, and as no one was around, he figured he could open it, for a quick peek inside.

Carefully he opened up the flap, that had been loosely gummed together. Inside, he noticed a few pages of loose leaf paper, with a paper clip over some thicker paper behind. He pulled it out, and removed the paper clip.

On the loose leaf pages he recognized Mike’s handwriting, and as he flipped past them, he realized that the pages behind was photo paper. It was the kind they used in their inkjet printers, to print out pictures. He was rather curious as he flipped the loose leaf pages further off, to see that the first photo was a bit blurred at the top of someone’s head.

Pulling the page up, his hand suddenly stopped, trembling a bit as he recognized the figure in the photo. It was Mike, but as he stared at it, he understood why Mike was insistent that he not open it with people nearby. Quickly he lifted up his eyes, to make sure no one was watching, or able to see what he was looking at.

Satisfied, he felt his face grinning, as he pulled the photo up a bit more, revealing a picture of Mike, an obvious self taken picture. The photo was a bit blurred at the edges, bit out of focus, but as he lifted more of the photo up out of the envelop, Jeff felt his face flush. Mike was naked in the picture, and while he stood very erect, that wasn’t all that was standing at attention.

Free Picture Post courtesy of EU Twinks.

Meet Jeremy a rather sexy twink, who like Jeff, enjoys a good jack off session. Now he might not be thinking of Mike, but I bet you he’s thinking of some of the other guys who are showcased over at EU Twinks. From Parisian beauties to the rugged Polish Farm Boy, you will find them at EU Twinks.

( Click smaller image for larger view )

MORE OF JEREMY HERE

Clearing the Air

By Ian Kovnats ( Gaystoryman )

Copyright © 2008 ? All Rights Reserved

Part (2)

Jeff felt his resentment, his anger, as he glared up at Mike. How dare he, come here and act like he was the wronged party? He was the one who had shouted, who had thrown a fucking hissy fit, not him. He had tried to talk to him, to explain it, but it was Mike who hadn’t listened, who hadn’t wanted to understand.

‘If that’s what you want, I didn’t come all this way to fight with you.’

‘Yeah? Right, what, you figured you’d come here to make sure I knew how sick you think I am?’

‘No, I uh, look Jeff, I said some shit I shouldn’t, and when you left, well, can’t we talk?’

‘Nothing to talk about, you think I am some nut case, or worse, I think you made it clear how you felt.’

‘Oh, and like you never said shit you regretted later?’

‘Well, yeah, but not…’

‘Not what? Like when you thought my Mom was having an affair? You called her a slut, remember that?’

‘Fuck, I was thirteen, what did I know?’

‘Yeah well, I didn’t hit you, didn’t call you out, did I?’

‘No, but this isn’t about someone else, it is about me, us, it’s not the same, besides you aren’t thirteen anymore’

‘I know how old I am, not to sure about you, though.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean? Another crack about…’

‘It means, get over it, and stop acting like you are thirteen, and move your fucking ass over, so I can sit down.’

Jeff felt his mouth open, his jaw drop as he stared up at Mike. He could still see those accusing eyes, from earlier, but there was something else there. It was like, he wasn’t about to him it, or anything like that. Just that, well he was also determined, that he wasn’t about to leave.

He rather wished he would, but as he thought it, he felt foolish. It was Mike, after all. They had been through a lot of shit together, like when his mother did seem to be having an affair. Course it had been nothing like that, but still, he had said some pretty shitty things back then. Mike had been hurt too, but he was right, he never did lash out at him, or end their friendship over it.

He shuffled over, and watched as Mike slid down to sit next to him. He could smell his scent, that cologne that he always wore, mingled with a bit of sweat, but it still, was, well Mike. It was him, just as sitting here now was, how they were, well used to be.

In an odd way, he felt rather elated too. To think that Mike had known where to find him, had known he would be here, meant something. It meant a lot actually, as he stared down at his dusty runners, afraid to turn his head, afraid to see those eyes glaring at him, as they had back at Mike’s place. He couldn’t handle that, not just yet.

Yet, what was weird, was how he wanted to turn, to look at Mike. At the same time, he also found himself wondering, what did Mike’s crotch look like, if it was full, or not. It was like he had thought earlier, that he had missed out on so many good images, that he was trying to compensate for missing out. One more reason to stay focused on his feet, to not look.

As much as he had the urge to look, he kept his eyes averted, as he tried to figure out what it was, that Mike wanted. Did he come to apologize, or did he come to lash out some more at him?

‘Why did you, why did you come here?’

‘To find you’

‘Yeah, but why?’

‘How long we been friends Jeff? Eleven or Twelve years?’

‘Twelve’

‘That’s why, 12 years is a long time to be friends, to just, well, end it like this.’

‘Didn’t sound like it earlier.’

‘Yeah well, you rather dumped some heavy shit on me, out of the blue. How would you have reacted?’

‘I don’t know, I wouldn’t have called you sick, or that other crap.’

He could feel the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes, as he spoke. He could hear Mike’s breathing too, how he was trying to keep himself cool, to not get overly excited. It was odd, how he could know how Mike could be, how he could hear his chest rise and fall, & know what Mike was trying to do.

In so many ways, they were more like brothers, than just best friends. Mike knew how he was, how he did get into moods, and how he’d come here. Strange, but he never realized how often he would have one of his moods, and take off, yet Mike always showed up. And it was pretty soon after he had gotten here, too. Like he had known that something was wrong, had known where to go, to find him.

He had gotten used to that too, which maybe is why he wound up here. He had been hoping that once more, Mike would just show up, and here he was. Just as he had subconsciously hoped for.

‘Maybe not, but come on Jeff, what did you expect me to do? Throw my arms around you?’

‘No, but you, I mean, what you said, it hurt, still does.’

‘Okay, fair enough, I said some shitty things, but can you see it from my side? I mean you walk in to my bedroom, I am still half naked, and you tell me you are Gay? Like come on dude, you could have waited till I was dressed.’

‘I guess, I just, I mean I am so used to just walking in, and I, I didn’t notice, I mean, uh, that.’

‘Like I am supposed to believe that?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why? I mean why the fuck should I?’

‘Because, shit man, because I say so, because well, like I was too scared about what I wanted to say, I never was thinking of, well looking.’

‘Yeah, I guess, sort of figured that out, afterwards.’

‘I never, I mean I never did think of you that way.’

He couldn’t keep on staring at his feet, and he moved his head, to turn and look over at Mike. His eyes seemed to not be listening to his mind, as they stared first at Mike’s exposed crotch, and then quickly moved up to look at his face.

Jeff felt his heart quicken, as he found himself staring into those dark eyes, that tanned face. He could see the lips were being tightly held, the eyes a bit narrowed, as his face lifted up to look back.

‘Uh huh.’

‘It’s true.’

‘Shit man, you just checked me out.’

‘I uh, I mean, oh fuck it Mike, that’s different, least, it wasn’t by choice.’

‘Oh what, your eyes are being controlled by some Alien force, give me a break.’

‘No, it is just, I mean, I don’t know what the fuck I mean, so I checked you out first, it wasn’t like it was for long.’

‘and that makes it okay?’

‘Look, you came here looking for me, it’s a Gay thing, I guess.’

‘What, you don’t know?’

‘No, okay? I don’t fucking know, I mean Christ, you think I been sucking cocks for my whole life? I suck at it, just like I such at dicking a chick, okay? Happy now?’

Jeff turned away, the tears were rolling down his face, as he realized just how fucked up he was. Maybe he wasn’t Gay, though he doubted it. He did check out Mike, even now, he was thinking of how good the guy looked, in the faded jeans, the long lanky legs. Sure wasn’t the thoughts of some frustrated straight guy, that was certain.

He sighed, as he stared out, looking over at the trees to his right, the field in front, but he kept his face from going left, to stare at Mike again. He knew, if he did, that his eyes would glance, would look down, out of instinct, out of some natural impulse.

‘you have done it with guys?’

‘couple’

‘and it was bad?’

‘sort of’

‘then what, I mean what makes you think you are queer? If you aren’t good at it, maybe it’s because you aren’t supposed to be.’

‘maybe, fuck Mike, I don’t know, it is just…’

‘just what?’

‘you don’t want to know.’

‘yeah, yeah I do Jeff’

Jeff turned around, and his eyes went straight to Mike’s face, where he didn’t see any anger, any hatred, as he had earlier in the day. For a fleeting moment, he thought that Mike really did care, that it wasn’t just an act. But the moment past, as he felt his own doubts, his own fears, once more taking hold of his thoughts.

‘Fine, I get a fucking boner, thinking about guys, looking at naked pictures of guys sucking each other off, okay? I get hard as fucking hell, but not when it comes to looking at boobs, or their cunt, okay? Satisfied now?’

This time, it was Mike who averted the eyes first. He turned away, to stare out at the field, to say nothing, as he thought about it all. Jeff could feel his mind working, could feel how he was thinking about what he had said. Jeff didn’t turn away, for long.

Looking now, he could see how handsome Mike really was, as he thought about why Jeff thought he was Gay. He could see the thin nose, how it suited his long angular face. The way his jaw hung, how his eyelashes were fine, not bushy like some guys. He studied every detail, as he saw how Mike’s forehead wrinkled up, as he thought.

‘you serious?’

‘uh huh.’

‘So, you never got a boner, even when in the same room with a naked chick? How did you, I mean you have uh…’

‘Yeah, I’ve fucked a few, and I got hard, by thinking of other things.’

‘Other things? Like what?… shit, never mind I think I get it.’

The silence just fell between them, and he turned away again, not sure what was going through Mike’s mind. Normally he could tell, but he wasn’t going to stare, to try and figure it out. Last thing he wanted was for Mike to think he was being checked out again. Yet, the idea did fascinate him, as he could feel his own dick stirring a bit, as he thought about it.

Mike wasn’t stupid, and Jeff was certain that he’d ask him. He didn’t know what he would say, or if he would answer him. It was bad enough, that Mike wasn’t comfortable with him being Gay, so he sure as fuck wouldn’t be happy knowing that those ‘other things’ were sometimes about him.

In all honesty, it was mostly that one summer, and okay, few other times, when he was really desperate to get it hard, to not let his date figure it out. Besides, girls could handle it better, if they figured he had been cheating, than if he was Gay. Strange how that worked, but then sex wasn’t what he had ever expected. Even now, at eighteen, it just wasn’t what he had thought.

Wasn’t like he had any real experiences to use, or uncluttered views to rely on, but he had enough close encounters, to sort of know. Like, he knew that Mike was cut, that he was rather thick all the way from his groin to the tip, but as to how thick, well that was just a guess.

No way he’d ask, though he wished he knew. It would have helped him out a few times, and it would certainly have made some of his more private moments, a bit more memorable. Yet, as much as he wanted to know, as desperate as he was to not tell him, he knew, deep inside, that it would all come out.

He could feel it happening, feel Mike’s anger being turned on him, once more. Jeff knew it would be worse, than earlier. Hell, he could feel his muscles tighten, feel his body almost flinch, because inside, he knew Mike would lash out at him, that he’d strike out at him. Wasn’t like they hadn’t had any real fights, just not physical one’s.

Sure they had pushed each other, out of anger, but nothing in their past, had been quite like this moment was shaping up to be. He could still feel how hard Mike’s hands were, as they had pushed him on the chest, during one of their few tiffs. He could still see how his face had grown taut, how his eyes seemed like they were spitting fire, much like how they were earlier this morning.

Jeff felt trapped, as if the worse day of his life, was only going to get even more worse. He hated this feeling, but he couldn’t help it. Deep down, he knew he had to tell Mike, to try and explain it to him. He could feel him next to him, smell him, which was driving him nuts too. The way his emotions kept flying all over the place.

One second he was afraid of coming to blows, then in another flash of a millisecond, he was thinking of how good it would feel to touch him, to feel his body on his, even if it was in the midst of a fight. Then there was the wild thought, that maybe they could work through it, that maybe in his way, Mike didn’t mind being the object of Jeff’s desires.

Problem for him, was how did he say what he felt, without making it worse?

‘so uh, how many guys? I mean you have done it with guys, haven’t you?’

‘yeah, but, not many.’

‘how come?’

‘it’s not easy, finding guys, I mean, well, you may uh think they are, but uh, you can’t be certain.’

‘I guess, never thought about it, least not that uh, I was ever, shit, see, this is what pisses me off, I don’t know what to fucking say.’

‘say whatever you want, you didn’t have much trouble getting the words out this morning.’

Mike just glared at him, and he right back at him. No way was he going to make it easy for the guy, even if he did seem like he was trying to make up for it. He could still hear those words, still feel their sting as they hit him. His own face was flushed, as he stared at Mike, who finally lowered his eyes, and stared down at his feet, then glance up at Jeff, then back to his feet.

‘guess not’

‘why are you here Mike? Taking pity on the fag?’

‘Okay, guess I deserved that, it is just, fuck man, I never had a clue. Besides, it isn’t easy to think, to uh, well, to think of all we talked about, that it was, well just an act, on your part.’

‘an act? No, no it wasn’t that, maybe I wasn’t interested in hearing about your dates, or talking about those I went on, but it wasn’t an act.’

‘why didn’t you just, tell me? Why now?’

‘I am leaving to College, I don’t know, I mean, I really don’t know why, just that, well, I had to, before I left.’

‘What, you figure I’d walk in on you and some stud up at college?’

‘Maybe, you did say you’d come up and visit.’

‘yeah, guess, still, I don’t get it Jeff, what is it that turns you on about a guy? I mean, isn’t it, well, just seems like it’d be…’

‘dirty, awkward, what?’

‘different, don’t, look, you and me, we go way back, can’t we, can’t we just talk about this?’

‘yeah, I suppose, but… shit Mike, you make it so friggin hard at times.’

‘huh?’

He saw the expression on Mike’s face, and he couldn’t help but begin to laugh. It was funny, as he saw how flustered his friend was, not sure if he was talking about getting a hard on, or about making conversation difficult. It was funny, though he did feel a bit tight around the crotch, and as he chuckled, he also noticed how Mike’s eyes kept going down to his crotch, then back up, looking rather confused.

It only made him laugh a bit louder, and for a second he thought he had gone too far, as Mike’s face grew redder, his brow furled in that angry look, but then he too some the comedy in all, and chuckled as well, leaning back against the tree. At the same time, his legs spread out a bit further, and Jeff couldn’t help but look.

He stopped laughing, because he was certain that Mike’s crotch was showing a bulge, almost as if somehow he was excited, or at least getting that way. Looking up, he stared into his friends face, wondering, feeling rather confused. No way could a straight guy like Mike get turned on by some queer talking about a stiffy, could he?

Looking back up at Mike, he saw his cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were everywhere, but looking back. It didn’t make sense, because he did know Mike was straight, still, the signs, could his gaydar be that far off? Hell, he didn’t even know when they really were gay, like that guy Mathew who had to come straight out and ask if he wanted a blow job.

That had been freaky really, and he wasn’t sure if it had been a put on, least not until they had their pants down at the ankles. So could he have missed the signs with Mike? Could he have been that wrong?

‘uh, without you going ballistic, can uh, I mean, fuck, can I uh…’

‘am I like you? Shit no.’

Jeff saw how Mike’s face quickly grew firm, but he didn’t lash out, though the way he had said no was pretty convincing. Still, why the boner? Christ, why was he even here, trying to talk about it, but not?

‘Then, I mean…’

‘Why did I come here, instead of just leaving things the way they were this morning?’

‘yeah’

‘I guess because we have been friends, because, well, I don’t know, this stuff, this being Gay, you really sure? I mean it isn’t just because of, well,’

Turning away slightly, Jeff stared out at the field, wondering what to say. Was it because he was attracted to guys, or was it like Mike thought, because he hadn’t done very good in the girlfriend department? Then too, he hadn’t exactly done so hot with guys either, but he still felt excited thinking about them, not girls. It wasn’t something he could put into words, yet as he looked at Mike, he felt rather warm, and maybe that was the answer?

‘Yeah I am sure, I don’t know if I can explain it, but it is like, when you see a girl, that looks a certain way, you feel hot? Right?’

‘yeah’

‘well, I get that way around certain guys, and well, look, remember what’s her name, Janice or Janet?’

‘Janet, and yeah, not like I can forget that.’

‘Exactly, I mean the sex, you didn’t exactly do great, least the way you told me, but that didn’t stop you from getting horny when you saw other girls, that fit your uh, tastes, right?’

‘True, but that’s different.’

‘Why? Just because I uh, because I haven’t done it right, or was like how you were with Janet, doesn’t stop me from being horny when around certain guys, girls just never really did it for me, not like guys do.’

He didn’t know if Mike would understand it, because he really didn’t, least not so he could explain. Still, the more he thought about it, the more it made sense to him. It wasn’t like he woke up one morning, wanting dick. It had always been there, but he just never knew it. Not sure he did now, other than it felt right.

It did excite him, to think of guys, to think of taking their clothes off, of seeing their dick spring out from under their shorts. That kind of thrill, never seemed to happen when thinking of girls, so it wasn’t his lack of success with them.

‘so, uh, am I your type?’

‘huh?’

‘am I your type, or you like the kind like, what was his name, Henry?’

‘No, Henry isn’t my type, and I guess, yeah you are the type.’

‘You uh, you think of me that way?’

‘truth?’

‘yeah, truth.’

‘I have, do, oh shit Mike, I did, but I try not to, I mean, well, I can’t help it, you are the kind of guy I’d like to be with, in uh, in that way.’

‘what do you mean “did”?’

‘okay, do maybe is the right word, just that, fuck, I try not to, I mean yeah you have the looks I like, all that stuff, but we are friends, I wouldn’t trade that for anything, not even sex.’

It was nearly impossible, but he couldn’t turn away. He had to face him, to let him know that he meant it, that it wasn’t about sex, that he like Mike for him, and that he could control himself. He really didn’t want to lose his friendship, if he could avoid it.

Yet at the same time, he couldn’t deny how looking at him made his body react. He couldn’t help but realize that he had always wanted Mike both, as a friend, and as someone to have sex with. He couldn’t deny those feelings, control them, maybe, but damn it was hard.

‘so what, you get off thinking of me, naked or something?’

Inspiration from BoyFunk

( Click image for larger view )

Clearing the Air

By Ian Kovnats ( Gaystoryman )

Copyright © 2008 ? All Rights Reserved

Part (1)

‘Yeah I am gay.’

‘I knew it, I knew you were a fag’

‘Look Mike, it isn’t what you think, it…’

‘Like hell it isn’t, how could you? I mean all this time, and you liked dick? You are sick man, you need help.’

‘Come off it Mike, you don’t mean that shit.’

‘Fucking right I do, all these years, how long dude? How long you been drooling over my dick? Gawd, it makes me sick, to think… fuck Jeff, just, just fucking go, okay? I don’t want to, just fuck off.’

‘It was never that way Mike, Christ, I thought you at least would…’

‘What? Thought I’d be okay with my best friend being queer? Man you are sick, just leave, go, just leave, I don’t want to hear anymore, just leave.’

He knew that look, knew it from times before and let his head look away. Inside he felt the pain, and he could taste the bile in his throat as he turned away from the angry look of his friend. Jeff knew it was pointless to continue, to try and explain it, as Mike simply wasn’t going to listen, least not now.

Maybe after it had sunk in, maybe when he cooled off, he’d come around, but taking one last look at his friend of over 12 years, he didn’t see much hope of that happening, anytime soon. His heart stuttered a bit, as he shuffled out of the door, heading down the stairs towards the front door. He looked up, to see Mike staring down at him, and he thought about making one more stab at it, but didn’t.

The hate that came from Mike’s eyes was too overpowering. He could see how his chest heaved from his anger, how his lips were tightly pursed together, adding to the sense of anger that was directed at him. He sighed, and turned away from his friend, knowing that he really was alone.

It hurt, to think that what started back in grade school was over, in such a flash. Here he was eighteen, about to head off to college, and he was leaving a lot more behind than just childhood memories. He was leaving behind friendships, that had been built over a long time.

As he walked down the sidewalk, he heard the front door of Mike’s house slam shut. Turning he saw the dark brown of the door, knowing that he had been wrong. That for all those years, he had believed that he and Mike shared something special, beyond just school friends. It wasn’t like he thought Mike was gay either, and other than a brief fantasy of him, he never looked at him that way.

Mike obviously wouldn’t buy that, and no way could he tell him either. Sure, Mike was hot, had a great body and build, but he just never let himself really think of him, in quite that way. Okay, maybe he had a few summers back, but that was when he was realizing that he liked guys, over girls. It wasn’t like he had acted on those thoughts, and okay, so he had sneaked a few peeks in, and yeah, it had gotten him horny, but he had never let Mike know.

So what the fuck was the harm? He felt his chest heave a bit, as he walked down the sidewalk, not sure where he was heading, just as long as it was far away from one more disappointment in a growing list of failures. Life fucking sucked, he thought, as he let the sun beat down on his shoulders, as his feet just kept him trucking on, going anywhere, but back.

What hurt the most was that Mike had never seemed homophobic either. Like that time when they were juniors at High School, and some kids were picking on a new transfer student. They were all pushing the guy around, who everyone assumed was Gay. They were calling him fag, queer, sissy boy, and it was Mike who stopped them.

It didn’t make sense, because he had risked his whole reputation, stepping in to protect the guy, who they didn’t even know. Hell, he had backed Mike up too, like a friend should, so why the fuck was Mike being such a dickhead now? Why could he stand up for some stranger, but not accept his best friend being one?

He knew he was acting like a baby. Jeff wiped his eyes, hating the tears that just seemed to keep on rolling down his face. He hated feeling this way, and why should he be so upset? Okay, so Mike took it bad, he was better off without him, if he was such a bigot that he couldn’t accept his best friend being gay. Like it wasn’t like he had asked him to have sex with him. So what the fuck, was his problem?

Alright, so some of their old school friends might make some smart ass comment, but it wasn’t like they’d be seeing them much. They were all off to College or elsewhere, and frankly, who gave a shit what they thought anyhow? Not like Mark or Jason or the others would pick a fight with either of them, least of all Mike. After all he was not some geek from the Computer Club, but was an accomplished High School athlete.

Shit, Mike had taken All District, for boxing, had been runner up to State Champion, so what was his problem? So what if he hanged out with a gay guy? Wasn’t like Jeff was a slouch either, sports wise. He had done pretty good in Baseball, and had won his heats in Track. Okay, so he didn’t make State, but that wasn’t because of him. He had done his bit on the relay team, so what the fuck was Mike’s problem?

None of that would be changed, if they all knew he was Gay, they couldn’t take away any medals, and so what if some might think that Mike and him were bum buddies? They thought that when Mike had stood up for that new buy, Henry. It had been a rough few weeks, but they had survived it, and no one knew that he was gay.

So if Mike could stand up for a stranger, why couldn’t he stand up for his friend of twelve years? It was pissing him off, but it hurt more. To think that he’d risk it all for some stranger, but not for him? Like where did Mike get off on that, yet he had let him. He hadn’t stayed, hadn’t fought for their friendship either. Maybe it wasn’t that Mike was anti gay, maybe just surprised?

He looked up, to notice that he had walked a fair distance. There really wasn’t much point in going home now, his parents wouldn’t be there, nor his sister or younger brother. They were all off for the weekend, and in some ways, he was rather glad of that. This wasn’t the time to have to put up with his Sister’s knowing smirks, his younger brother’s nagging either.

Sure as hell wasn’t the time to deal with his parents either. They had enough of their plate, though he was fairly certain they had a clue, an inkling. The way his Mom had shushed his Dad, when he had been suggesting that at college he’d find a nice girl. She had to know, and by how quickly his Dad had picked up on her signals, well, he had to know too.

Then again, maybe they didn’t? Jeff didn’t want to have to deal with that, as well as Mike. So he was glad they were gone for the weekend, but now, he felt even more alone, more isolated. Glancing around, he decided he’d head a bit further, to the one place that held nothing but good memories.

It was their spot, where they always went when things were a bit hot in town. It was the spot where he had ran to, when he had heard about his grandmother, and it was where Mike had found him, to calm him down.

It was the place where he and Mike had their first joint, their first beer even. It was the place where he had sat up all night, keeping Mike safe, after he had tried some mushrooms, and had a really bad time of it too. It was the place best friends went, when things needed to be thought about, to be talked over.

As the wind picked up a bit, he saw the grove of trees, and the fences alongside the road. He was nearing ‘their’ place, where they had first talked about sex, about dating. It was the place where barely into their teens, they had discovered the joys of jacking off.

Maybe it was that memory that had gotten Mike all steamed up? But shit, it wasn’t like he knew shit about being gay or straight back then. He didn’t even know about sperm, or any of that stuff. It was just two kids entering puberty, and it wasn’t like he stared at Mike’s little dick then either. Wasn’t like he thought much about it, other than how cool it was, how it had made him feel to feel that shudder, then that warm stuff ooze through his fingers.

Like he knew what an orgasm was back then? Yet it was out here, under that big old tree, where they had both found out about the mysteries of the body. As he climbed over the broken down fence, he sighed, realizing that all the good times he had shared here, were just that. Memories only, because there would be no Mike to help make new ones.

If anyone doubted he was queer, they’d know it for sure if they stumbled onto him now. Christ, he was lik