Clearing the Air
By Ian Kovnats ()
Copyright © 2008 ? All Rights Reserved
Jeff felt his resentment, his anger, as he glared up at Mike. How dare he, come here and act like he was the wronged party? He was the one who had shouted, who had thrown a fucking hissy fit, not him. He had tried to talk to him, to explain it, but it was Mike who hadn’t listened, who hadn’t wanted to understand.
‘If that’s what you want, I didn’t come all this way to fight with you.’
‘Yeah? Right, what, you figured you’d come here to make sure I knew how sick you think I am?’
‘No, I uh, look Jeff, I said some shit I shouldn’t, and when you left, well, can’t we talk?’
‘Nothing to talk about, you think I am some nut case, or worse, I think you made it clear how you felt.’
‘Oh, and like you never said shit you regretted later?’
‘Well, yeah, but not…’
‘Not what? Like when you thought my Mom was having an affair? You called her a slut, remember that?’
‘Fuck, I was thirteen, what did I know?’
‘Yeah well, I didn’t hit you, didn’t call you out, did I?’
‘No, but this isn’t about someone else, it is about me, us, it’s not the same, besides you aren’t thirteen anymore’
‘I know how old I am, not to sure about you, though.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean? Another crack about…’
‘It means, get over it, and stop acting like you are thirteen, and move your fucking ass over, so I can sit down.’
Jeff felt his mouth open, his jaw drop as he stared up at Mike. He could still see those accusing eyes, from earlier, but there was something else there. It was like, he wasn’t about to him it, or anything like that. Just that, well he was also determined, that he wasn’t about to leave.
He rather wished he would, but as he thought it, he felt foolish. It was Mike, after all. They had been through a lot of shit together, like when his mother did seem to be having an affair. Course it had been nothing like that, but still, he had said some pretty shitty things back then. Mike had been hurt too, but he was right, he never did lash out at him, or end their friendship over it.
He shuffled over, and watched as Mike slid down to sit next to him. He could smell his scent, that cologne that he always wore, mingled with a bit of sweat, but it still, was, well Mike. It was him, just as sitting here now was, how they were, well used to be.
In an odd way, he felt rather elated too. To think that Mike had known where to find him, had known he would be here, meant something. It meant a lot actually, as he stared down at his dusty runners, afraid to turn his head, afraid to see those eyes glaring at him, as they had back at Mike’s place. He couldn’t handle that, not just yet.
Yet, what was weird, was how he wanted to turn, to look at Mike. At the same time, he also found himself wondering, what did Mike’s crotch look like, if it was full, or not. It was like he had thought earlier, that he had missed out on so many good images, that he was trying to compensate for missing out. One more reason to stay focused on his feet, to not look.
As much as he had the urge to look, he kept his eyes averted, as he tried to figure out what it was, that Mike wanted. Did he come to apologize, or did he come to lash out some more at him?
‘Why did you, why did you come here?’
‘To find you’
‘Yeah, but why?’
‘How long we been friends Jeff? Eleven or Twelve years?’
‘That’s why, 12 years is a long time to be friends, to just, well, end it like this.’
‘Didn’t sound like it earlier.’
‘Yeah well, you rather dumped some heavy shit on me, out of the blue. How would you have reacted?’
‘I don’t know, I wouldn’t have called you sick, or that other crap.’
He could feel the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes, as he spoke. He could hear Mike’s breathing too, how he was trying to keep himself cool, to not get overly excited. It was odd, how he could know how Mike could be, how he could hear his chest rise and fall, & know what Mike was trying to do.
In so many ways, they were more like brothers, than just best friends. Mike knew how he was, how he did get into moods, and how he’d come here. Strange, but he never realized how often he would have one of his moods, and take off, yet Mike always showed up. And it was pretty soon after he had gotten here, too. Like he had known that something was wrong, had known where to go, to find him.
He had gotten used to that too, which maybe is why he wound up here. He had been hoping that once more, Mike would just show up, and here he was. Just as he had subconsciously hoped for.
‘Maybe not, but come on Jeff, what did you expect me to do? Throw my arms around you?’
‘No, but you, I mean, what you said, it hurt, still does.’
‘Okay, fair enough, I said some shitty things, but can you see it from my side? I mean you walk in to my bedroom, I am still half naked, and you tell me you are Gay? Like come on dude, you could have waited till I was dressed.’
‘I guess, I just, I mean I am so used to just walking in, and I, I didn’t notice, I mean, uh, that.’
‘Like I am supposed to believe that?’
‘Why? I mean why the fuck should I?’
‘Because, shit man, because I say so, because well, like I was too scared about what I wanted to say, I never was thinking of, well looking.’
‘Yeah, I guess, sort of figured that out, afterwards.’
‘I never, I mean I never did think of you that way.’
He couldn’t keep on staring at his feet, and he moved his head, to turn and look over at Mike. His eyes seemed to not be listening to his mind, as they stared first at Mike’s exposed crotch, and then quickly moved up to look at his face.
Jeff felt his heart quicken, as he found himself staring into those dark eyes, that tanned face. He could see the lips were being tightly held, the eyes a bit narrowed, as his face lifted up to look back.
‘Shit man, you just checked me out.’
‘I uh, I mean, oh fuck it Mike, that’s different, least, it wasn’t by choice.’
‘Oh what, your eyes are being controlled by some Alien force, give me a break.’
‘No, it is just, I mean, I don’t know what the fuck I mean, so I checked you out first, it wasn’t like it was for long.’
‘and that makes it okay?’
‘Look, you came here looking for me, it’s a Gay thing, I guess.’
‘What, you don’t know?’
‘No, okay? I don’t fucking know, I mean Christ, you think I been sucking cocks for my whole life? I suck at it, just like I such at dicking a chick, okay? Happy now?’
Jeff turned away, the tears were rolling down his face, as he realized just how fucked up he was. Maybe he wasn’t Gay, though he doubted it. He did check out Mike, even now, he was thinking of how good the guy looked, in the faded jeans, the long lanky legs. Sure wasn’t the thoughts of some frustrated straight guy, that was certain.
He sighed, as he stared out, looking over at the trees to his right, the field in front, but he kept his face from going left, to stare at Mike again. He knew, if he did, that his eyes would glance, would look down, out of instinct, out of some natural impulse.
‘you have done it with guys?’
‘and it was bad?’
‘then what, I mean what makes you think you are queer? If you aren’t good at it, maybe it’s because you aren’t supposed to be.’
‘maybe, fuck Mike, I don’t know, it is just…’
‘you don’t want to know.’
‘yeah, yeah I do Jeff’
Jeff turned around, and his eyes went straight to Mike’s face, where he didn’t see any anger, any hatred, as he had earlier in the day. For a fleeting moment, he thought that Mike really did care, that it wasn’t just an act. But the moment past, as he felt his own doubts, his own fears, once more taking hold of his thoughts.
‘Fine, I get a fucking boner, thinking about guys, looking at naked pictures of guys sucking each other off, okay? I get hard as fucking hell, but not when it comes to looking at boobs, or their cunt, okay? Satisfied now?’
This time, it was Mike who averted the eyes first. He turned away, to stare out at the field, to say nothing, as he thought about it all. Jeff could feel his mind working, could feel how he was thinking about what he had said. Jeff didn’t turn away, for long.
Looking now, he could see how handsome Mike really was, as he thought about why Jeff thought he was Gay. He could see the thin nose, how it suited his long angular face. The way his jaw hung, how his eyelashes were fine, not bushy like some guys. He studied every detail, as he saw how Mike’s forehead wrinkled up, as he thought.
‘So, you never got a boner, even when in the same room with a naked chick? How did you, I mean you have uh…’
‘Yeah, I’ve fucked a few, and I got hard, by thinking of other things.’
‘Other things? Like what?… shit, never mind I think I get it.’
The silence just fell between them, and he turned away again, not sure what was going through Mike’s mind. Normally he could tell, but he wasn’t going to stare, to try and figure it out. Last thing he wanted was for Mike to think he was being checked out again. Yet, the idea did fascinate him, as he could feel his own dick stirring a bit, as he thought about it.
Mike wasn’t stupid, and Jeff was certain that he’d ask him. He didn’t know what he would say, or if he would answer him. It was bad enough, that Mike wasn’t comfortable with him being Gay, so he sure as fuck wouldn’t be happy knowing that those ‘other things’ were sometimes about him.
In all honesty, it was mostly that one summer, and okay, few other times, when he was really desperate to get it hard, to not let his date figure it out. Besides, girls could handle it better, if they figured he had been cheating, than if he was Gay. Strange how that worked, but then sex wasn’t what he had ever expected. Even now, at eighteen, it just wasn’t what he had thought.
Wasn’t like he had any real experiences to use, or uncluttered views to rely on, but he had enough close encounters, to sort of know. Like, he knew that Mike was cut, that he was rather thick all the way from his groin to the tip, but as to how thick, well that was just a guess.
No way he’d ask, though he wished he knew. It would have helped him out a few times, and it would certainly have made some of his more private moments, a bit more memorable. Yet, as much as he wanted to know, as desperate as he was to not tell him, he knew, deep inside, that it would all come out.
He could feel it happening, feel Mike’s anger being turned on him, once more. Jeff knew it would be worse, than earlier. Hell, he could feel his muscles tighten, feel his body almost flinch, because inside, he knew Mike would lash out at him, that he’d strike out at him. Wasn’t like they hadn’t had any real fights, just not physical one’s.
Sure they had pushed each other, out of anger, but nothing in their past, had been quite like this moment was shaping up to be. He could still feel how hard Mike’s hands were, as they had pushed him on the chest, during one of their few tiffs. He could still see how his face had grown taut, how his eyes seemed like they were spitting fire, much like how they were earlier this morning.
Jeff felt trapped, as if the worse day of his life, was only going to get even more worse. He hated this feeling, but he couldn’t help it. Deep down, he knew he had to tell Mike, to try and explain it to him. He could feel him next to him, smell him, which was driving him nuts too. The way his emotions kept flying all over the place.
One second he was afraid of coming to blows, then in another flash of a millisecond, he was thinking of how good it would feel to touch him, to feel his body on his, even if it was in the midst of a fight. Then there was the wild thought, that maybe they could work through it, that maybe in his way, Mike didn’t mind being the object of Jeff’s desires.
Problem for him, was how did he say what he felt, without making it worse?
‘so uh, how many guys? I mean you have done it with guys, haven’t you?’
‘yeah, but, not many.’
‘it’s not easy, finding guys, I mean, well, you may uh think they are, but uh, you can’t be certain.’
‘I guess, never thought about it, least not that uh, I was ever, shit, see, this is what pisses me off, I don’t know what to fucking say.’
‘say whatever you want, you didn’t have much trouble getting the words out this morning.’
Mike just glared at him, and he right back at him. No way was he going to make it easy for the guy, even if he did seem like he was trying to make up for it. He could still hear those words, still feel their sting as they hit him. His own face was flushed, as he stared at Mike, who finally lowered his eyes, and stared down at his feet, then glance up at Jeff, then back to his feet.
‘why are you here Mike? Taking pity on the fag?’
‘Okay, guess I deserved that, it is just, fuck man, I never had a clue. Besides, it isn’t easy to think, to uh, well, to think of all we talked about, that it was, well just an act, on your part.’
‘an act? No, no it wasn’t that, maybe I wasn’t interested in hearing about your dates, or talking about those I went on, but it wasn’t an act.’
‘why didn’t you just, tell me? Why now?’
‘I am leaving to College, I don’t know, I mean, I really don’t know why, just that, well, I had to, before I left.’
‘What, you figure I’d walk in on you and some stud up at college?’
‘Maybe, you did say you’d come up and visit.’
‘yeah, guess, still, I don’t get it Jeff, what is it that turns you on about a guy? I mean, isn’t it, well, just seems like it’d be…’
‘dirty, awkward, what?’
‘different, don’t, look, you and me, we go way back, can’t we, can’t we just talk about this?’
‘yeah, I suppose, but… shit Mike, you make it so friggin hard at times.’
He saw the expression on Mike’s face, and he couldn’t help but begin to laugh. It was funny, as he saw how flustered his friend was, not sure if he was talking about getting a hard on, or about making conversation difficult. It was funny, though he did feel a bit tight around the crotch, and as he chuckled, he also noticed how Mike’s eyes kept going down to his crotch, then back up, looking rather confused.
It only made him laugh a bit louder, and for a second he thought he had gone too far, as Mike’s face grew redder, his brow furled in that angry look, but then he too some the comedy in all, and chuckled as well, leaning back against the tree. At the same time, his legs spread out a bit further, and Jeff couldn’t help but look.
He stopped laughing, because he was certain that Mike’s crotch was showing a bulge, almost as if somehow he was excited, or at least getting that way. Looking up, he stared into his friends face, wondering, feeling rather confused. No way could a straight guy like Mike get turned on by some queer talking about a stiffy, could he?
Looking back up at Mike, he saw his cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were everywhere, but looking back. It didn’t make sense, because he did know Mike was straight, still, the signs, could his gaydar be that far off? Hell, he didn’t even know when they really were gay, like that guy Mathew who had to come straight out and ask if he wanted a blow job.
That had been freaky really, and he wasn’t sure if it had been a put on, least not until they had their pants down at the ankles. So could he have missed the signs with Mike? Could he have been that wrong?
‘uh, without you going ballistic, can uh, I mean, fuck, can I uh…’
‘am I like you? Shit no.’
Jeff saw how Mike’s face quickly grew firm, but he didn’t lash out, though the way he had said no was pretty convincing. Still, why the boner? Christ, why was he even here, trying to talk about it, but not?
‘Then, I mean…’
‘Why did I come here, instead of just leaving things the way they were this morning?’
‘I guess because we have been friends, because, well, I don’t know, this stuff, this being Gay, you really sure? I mean it isn’t just because of, well,’
Turning away slightly, Jeff stared out at the field, wondering what to say. Was it because he was attracted to guys, or was it like Mike thought, because he hadn’t done very good in the girlfriend department? Then too, he hadn’t exactly done so hot with guys either, but he still felt excited thinking about them, not girls. It wasn’t something he could put into words, yet as he looked at Mike, he felt rather warm, and maybe that was the answer?
‘Yeah I am sure, I don’t know if I can explain it, but it is like, when you see a girl, that looks a certain way, you feel hot? Right?’
‘well, I get that way around certain guys, and well, look, remember what’s her name, Janice or Janet?’
‘Janet, and yeah, not like I can forget that.’
‘Exactly, I mean the sex, you didn’t exactly do great, least the way you told me, but that didn’t stop you from getting horny when you saw other girls, that fit your uh, tastes, right?’
‘True, but that’s different.’
‘Why? Just because I uh, because I haven’t done it right, or was like how you were with Janet, doesn’t stop me from being horny when around certain guys, girls just never really did it for me, not like guys do.’
He didn’t know if Mike would understand it, because he really didn’t, least not so he could explain. Still, the more he thought about it, the more it made sense to him. It wasn’t like he woke up one morning, wanting dick. It had always been there, but he just never knew it. Not sure he did now, other than it felt right.
It did excite him, to think of guys, to think of taking their clothes off, of seeing their dick spring out from under their shorts. That kind of thrill, never seemed to happen when thinking of girls, so it wasn’t his lack of success with them.
‘so, uh, am I your type?’
‘am I your type, or you like the kind like, what was his name, Henry?’
‘No, Henry isn’t my type, and I guess, yeah you are the type.’
‘You uh, you think of me that way?’
‘I have, do, oh shit Mike, I did, but I try not to, I mean, well, I can’t help it, you are the kind of guy I’d like to be with, in uh, in that way.’
‘what do you mean “did”?’
‘okay, do maybe is the right word, just that, fuck, I try not to, I mean yeah you have the looks I like, all that stuff, but we are friends, I wouldn’t trade that for anything, not even sex.’
It was nearly impossible, but he couldn’t turn away. He had to face him, to let him know that he meant it, that it wasn’t about sex, that he like Mike for him, and that he could control himself. He really didn’t want to lose his friendship, if he could avoid it.
Yet at the same time, he couldn’t deny how looking at him made his body react. He couldn’t help but realize that he had always wanted Mike both, as a friend, and as someone to have sex with. He couldn’t deny those feelings, control them, maybe, but damn it was hard.
‘so what, you get off thinking of me, naked or something?’
Inspiration from BoyFunk[singlepic=576,250,,,center]
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