The Locker – Chapter 5

Chapter 5

‘Only love gives us the taste of eternity’

— Jewish Proverb


4:19 p.m.

The car was moving slowly along the potholed road, Dakota keeping his focus on the road ahead, twisting and turning the large steering wheel to avoid the deeper of the potholes that seemed to be everywhere. Noah kept his eyes going between the road ahead and watching the intent expression on Dakota’s face. In a sense he felt uncertain still about Dakota, about what he really wanted or for that matter what he wanted from Dakota. At first he thought it was simply sex, but he knew inside that wasn’t really true, because as much as he felt he wanted it, he was petrified by the idea. He knew he wanted to be with Dakota that way, hell he could feel the desire each time he even just thought about the guy’s name, but a part of him deep down was still scared.

He had listened to all the nonsense, the scares about AIDS, about STD’s and the like and that definitely had him frightened, yet each time he would steal a glance at Dakota’s face, he felt like it couldn’t happen to him, that he was immune in some way, that those things happened to those who were sleazy, not to guys like him or Dakota. Course he knew he was kidding himself, and to be honest he hadn’t really thought much about the risks, all he could thing of was that thick pole and if it would hurt as much as he thought it would. Somehow he knew it would and that scared him, because he also knew he wanted to do nothing more than please Dakota, to show him that he was someone Dakota could care for.

Funny how he could think of all this and still manage to feel damn horny too. Christ he had to stop all these thoughts because it was only making his own dick hard and sitting in the bucket seats were hard enough, smelling Dakota’s scent, the car and everything else was just driving him nuts and yet, the damn voices wouldn’t leave him in peace. He had pictured this day differently; at least the start hadn’t gone like he had figured. Instead of a wild passionate kiss, all he had got was a smile and a hello, which left him hard and all but it wasn’t quite what he thought lovers did when they would meet. Then again, they really weren’t lovers or at least not yet. Maybe that was it, maybe things changed once you ‘did it’ or maybe not, he just didn’t know and that was tearing at him as the car moved quickly down the highway and then to the road they were on now.

Noah wasn’t sure what he had expected, maybe a quick trip somewhere where they would then leap on each other and grope each other but that didn’t seem to be in the cards, least not so far and part of him felt relief at that, because he just didn’t know what to do. Oh he had seen a few videos and pictures and he had heard stuff, but it wasn’t exactly the same, it left him feeling weird actually. He liked the idea, the thought of Dakota’s long arms wrapped around him, the idea of his hands reaching down his chest, touching him, feeling him and he really liked the idea of smelling Dakota’s hair as it would brush past his face, but what if he didn’t touch Dakota back the right way, what if he was what the guys called some girls, a dead fuck? What would he do then? Who could he go to or tell? He felt so alone really, so scared of screwing up that he could also feel his dick softening. Course he could correct that by simply turning to stare at Dakota’s face again, but what if it happened when they were together? What if he got soft instead of harder? What would Dakota do then? Would he laugh at him? Would Dakota push him away and look for someone else?

Christ, this is stupid, he thought as he stared at the flashing scenery, realizing they were out of town now, that the pothole road had given way to a gravel track and he saw farms on either side. For the life of him he didn’t know where he was at first, his mind too occupied with thoughts of what he might screw up that he almost missed Dakota’s question.

Noah “Huh? Sorry, what did you say?”

Dakota saw the look on Noah’s face and he felt the same dread, same fear inside that he had felt before, felt when he too wasn’t so sure of what he wanted or felt even. He could see that same look in Noah’s face and it troubled him as he wondered if maybe he was pushing too much, if maybe he had jumped the gun by going to Noah’s house that night. Trouble was that the instant he had seen Noah, something inside of him had snapped, something had somehow taken hold of his thoughts, making him think of nothing else but being with Noah, almost as if they had known each other forever, which he knew wasn’t true, still he couldn’t deny the strange eerie feelings he had ever since he first saw him walking towards the locker.

Montana had told him that sometimes your heart ruled, that sometimes you just knew when someone was right for you and that sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes it was fate taking you by the hand and leading you to where you truly belonged. He felt the emptiness inside as he thought about what Montana had told him, and he could see his face even now, staring out at him even as his eyes looked for the potholes in the road, he could still see the piercing eyes of Montana, feel his breath against his own face, as Montana had told him about life, about love.

They had shared that moment together, a time when Montana had shown him what it was like when you were truly loved and he could still feel that sharp stab of pain as Montana had entered him, and yet he could also feel the amazing warmth, the tremendous flow of energy that came with that short stab of entry. Dakota felt the tears welling up as his heart cried out for that time again, and it was that cry, that ache that had suddenly stopped the very instant he had seen Noah.

He had searched for that feeling, had yearned for it but it always seemed to elude him until that day, that one day when he had stared at the faded writing on the locker and turned to see the figure slowly walking down the hallway. Somehow he knew it was his new locker partner, somehow he knew too that the ache, the terrible pain he still felt inside would leave the moment they met and it had, not for long, but it had left and that in itself had scared him.

Noah wasn’t what he had expected and yet as he searched his eyes he could see the hunger there, the light of someone who had a kindred spirit, which is partly why he had taken the chance, had gone to his house that night and also why he had stayed away the rest of the week. He too was just as uncertain as Noah was, just as frightened but not for the same reasons. He knew he could satisfy Noah’s sexual needs, but could he satisfy him in what Montana said was the real test of love? Could he make Noah feel for him the way he felt for Noah?

Everything was so complicated these days, the having to work all the time, the fact that at any moment someone would find out about him, about Montana was taking its toll. He knew that, knew that he had acted out of desperation that night when he had gone back to Noah’s house, but Noah seemed like, well like he would understand and now, now he looked so frightened, so uncertain that maybe he had been mistaken. Maybe he should have begged off this plan but damn it, he needed to feel Noah next to him, or more if Noah would oblige him, but just to be with him, it all sort of helped him and right now he knew he needed something, needed someone to get him through what he was feeling.

The way Noah sat in the car, the way he would look at him when he thought he wasn’t watching, all of that only drove him, made him more determined to see if the feelings inside, of the strange dreams he was having, were real or at least possible. He hadn’t felt so alive for a long time, hadn’t felt the urge so much in the past as he had this last week, waiting for tonight. No, he knew he couldn’t have put this off, and he sighed, wondering if he really was ready for all this or was he just trying to hide again?

Noah’s voice startled him a little as he realized that he had finally answered him, and he smiled, turning to stare at the anxious face. He could see the anxiety in Noah’s eyes and wondered if he too had that same frightened look on his face?

Dakota “uh, nothing much, uh just saying we were almost there.”

Noah “Oh, okay”

Dakota “Yeah, uh sorry about the road”

Noah “Huh? Oh, it’s okay, you seem to know it pretty good”

Dakota “Yeah, comes from driving it all the time”

Noah “You didn’t say you lived on a farm”

Dakota “Don’t really, I mean it isn’t ours, we rent a house this guy has and I do some stuff around the place for him, kind of help out you know?”

Noah “Must be neat, I mean are there animals?”

Dakota “Neat? I guess it’s okay, yeah some, mostly its just farming, you know hay and that shit.”

Noah “Oh, still, kind of nice to be away from the city”

Dakota “It has its moments, uh I have to fix some fences first, you mind?”

Noah “Huh? No, can I help?”

Dakota “Huh? Uh yeah if you want, kind of boring though, you can watch TV in the house while I do this, if you want.”

Noah “I’d rather be with you, uh, that is, I mean if its okay?”

Dakota “Okay? Yeah it’s okay, uh, just uh, you don’t have to you know?”

Noah “I know, just, well, if it’s okay, I’d like to”

Dakota simply smiled as he wheeled the car into a long dirt driveway. Noah smiled back and his heart was going a mile a second as he thought about that smile, the way that Dakota’s face simply lit up when he smiled. The eyes seemed to sparkle and his whole face looked so happy, so alive that Noah managed to once more put aside the doubts that kept plaguing him and he could feel the heat between his legs, knowing that he was once more riding the roller coaster of his own emotions. The thought of watching, no, of working side by side with Dakota, of sweating together as they pounded in nails made his groin shudder from the growing ache that now throbbed through his entire lower body.

He had to be in love, what else could it be if he wanted to actually work fixing fences? Noah sat there as the car pulled up to an old weather beaten barn building, the red paint flaked and dulled by the weather and he looked around, seeing the old blue pick up truck, the wire fence surrounding smaller little shed like buildings, and then he saw the house itself. It wasn’t exactly modern but it was clean and he realized that Dakota was staring at him, almost as if he expected him to say something or do something. Noah could feel the sweat beads forming as he wondered what it was he was supposed to do or say when it struck him, when it all hit him at once that Dakota expected him to bolt, to run simply because the house and place wasn’t exactly suburb or upscale like he was used to.

Sure he had guessed that things weren’t exactly easy for Dakota and his family, after all he had said that he and his sister had to work, not wanted to but had to, and there was no doubt that his clothes were clean but definitely not new or anywhere near being new, but to see this place, and to feel like it was a test kind of made him angry at first, then sad. Slowly he turned away from the buildings to look at Dakota, unsure of what he would find and he could see the apprehension in Dakota’s eyes, the way they looked at him as if he was holding himself ready for a big let down. The way his hands clutched at the steering wheel spoke volumes to him and inside his heart he could a sort of aching feeling, one that kind of was like an urge to reach out, to hold Dakota, to just hold him.

Noah “I wish we lived on a place like this”

Dakota “Really? It isn’t much to look at…”

Noah “I don’t know, it’d be nice to come out after dinner or something, walk out and see the stars, bet you can really see them clear from out here”

Dakota “Yeah, you can, still…”

Noah “Maybe we can check em out later? It would be kind of fun, uh, I mean, well, if you like that sort of stuff.”

Dakota “Really? I mean, yeah I do… you really think this place is neat?”

Noah “Yeah”

Dakota looked hard into Noah’s face, trying to see if what he was saying was how he really felt. He had never thought about it before, but it mattered to him what Noah thought, how he felt and he sighed a little, seeing the look in those eyes, not sure if they were real or if Noah was just being polite. He didn’t mind where he lived, he would trade even this for another day with Montana, and he knew too that his parents felt the same way and yet he also knew his father felt bad for them all, not because he had done anything wrong, just that he hadn’t been able to give them more. It never really dawned on him how much they had sacrificed until now, when it came time to wheel the car into the yard and to see how Noah would react to their place. It never mattered before but now it did and he still wasn’t certain even though inside, he wanted to believe that what Noah said was true.

Dakota “Uh guess we should get to it then, uh, you sure? I mean, you can wait in the house, won’t take me that long”

Noah “Take you less time if I help won’t it?”

Dakota “Yeah but…”

Noah “So?”

Dakota “You’ll get your clothes dirty, I mean its…”

Noah “I brought another pair of jeans, two actually, so its cool”

He kind of liked the idea that Noah wasn’t going to be put off, that he was insistent actually and the notion that he had brought more than one pair of pants also made him grin a little as he climbed out of the car. The thought of undressing Noah came clearly to his mind and he could still see that lump that had first attracted his eyes attention when he had climbed into the window. Maybe he was just making too much out of the place, maybe it really didn’t matter about possessions and stuff, maybe Montana was right, that when you found that special one, nothing mattered to them but you, not your clothes or your house or even how you looked to others, nothing mattered because they cared for the person. It wasn’t something he really believed in, least not that much but looking at Noah, seeing how his eyes would light up when he smiled at him, maybe it was true, maybe Montana really did know.

Dakota “Just remember I warned you”

Noah “I will”

Dakota “I think you would too, okay, uh well you can throw your stuff in the house or in the back of the pick up there, I’ll go get the boards we need and put it in back”

Noah “Okay, uh, need some help bringing the boards out?”

Dakota “Naw, only got a few to take”

Noah grabbed his pack from the backseat of the mustang and headed over towards the pale old blue pick up truck. He could see the dirt and mud caked on the sides and he knew it was definitely a work truck for the place. It had dents on the side and a big huge wooden box in the bed, one he assumed carried tools and stuff. He debated for a second on whether to keep his pack with him then as he turned to watch Dakota going into the barn, he simply tossed the pack into the back of the bed, his eyes glued to the tall figure walking away from him.

He couldn’t explain it, but it felt so perfect right now, to be leaning up against the metal side of the truck, his elbows on the rail of the truck bed, and Dakota just walking away. It was sort of like, well like this was their place and he was watching the other half. Noah could feel the strange giddiness in his head as he watched the way Dakota’s butt moved as he walked, the way the tight jeans were moulded to his body and even the thin white threads from the one back pocket only added to the picture, making his hand move down and adjust his own crotch. Christ, he thought, what a horny ass I am but then as he saw Dakota disappear into the darkness of the barn, he realized that it wasn’t that he just wanted sex, though that thought certainly seemed to be popping up a lot in his mind, but that there was more to being with Dakota than that. Maybe it was love though he really wasn’t too sure what love was, all he knew was that he didn’t want to disappoint Dakota, and he waited, counting the seconds waiting for Dakota to return.

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